Someone New?

Okay, So I am kinda seeing someone?? I really quite like him up until this point, so you know there’s going to be something wrong with him soon. Or he’ll just stop talking to me for what seems to be no good reason at all like so many of the rest have done before him. Shall we place our bets now?

I need to think of a good name for him. I’ll get to it later. Let’s get to the specifics: he’s a few inches taller than me (tick), Has tattoos (tick), When we first met he tipped me in the nightclub I work at (#awkward and tick). He’s the most caring and kindest I’ve ever met (tick), has the best sense of humour (double tick), and is actually super-cute when he’s not with the lads (massive tick!) And he mocks me and I love it.

We’ve taken some time to get to know each other, we have been on dates and we literally chat non-stop. The conversation flows smoothly, easy, nice. He’s pretty shy, though, I think. I laugh a lot when we’re talking, which is a really good sign. I laugh a lot when I am with him. I like this part of new relationships where there’s every chance he might still fuck off, so I’m enjoying it while I still can, but at the same time, my poor little head gets carried away by all the crazy coincidences and the little things we seem to have in common.

I like him, though. This isn’t an I-want-to-get-him-into-bed thing .. well… with this guy, I get butterflies. When my phone pings, I rush to it. I can’t not respond. I can’t not read what he has to say. We bounce off each other. He responds to things in a way I don’t expect, and I know I’m doing the same right back to him. This guy can handle my attitude, can handle my banter and can handle my tantrums/ listening to me moan (sexually as well). He stays up late to talk to me, we seem to have created this weird little bond, we’re already opening up to each other in a way that I don’t think I’ve done before with a guy. It’s weird, but I don’t dislike it. I fancy him, I have great banter with him, why not? What have I got to lose?

I kinda hope he doesn’t fuck off. I’ve got my fingers crossed that I’m giving him the same butterflies he’s giving me. Don’t you love it at this stage where you can get carried away with your own thoughts?

Sigh.

So What Is An Eating Disorder..

You hear about eating disorders being linked to social media and the skinny size 0 girls, that society deem as perfect. These definitely may have an effect, especially on young people growing up; but they aren’t the sole reason. So what is an eating disorder? In the definition of a professional, it is ‘Any of a range of psychological disorders characterised by abnormal or disturbed eating habits’. In my words as a survivor it was each day consisting of numbers (calories, weight, fat content), it was being so scared of the orders in my head and wanting to be skinny so bad that i almost killed myself trying, it was never seeing my body for what it was even when I was at deaths door and it was pure hell of loosing myself. I was obsessed with loosing weight because I had a distorted body image and despite being at a unhealthy weight I couldn’t see my body through the eyes of everyone else, I saw it through the eyes of anorexia. I continuously was restricting calories, burning off more calories than I consumed, my whole entire day was based around calories and how much ‘fat’ i was burning and potentially gaining. If my day wasn’t consistent of calories, it was the number on the scale or looking into pro-ana websites. It was being so scared of the voice of anorexia while also feeling so comforted by it as it shouted orders at me of what I needed to do next. 

Anyone can develop an eating disorder. It doesn’t have a type for choosing its next victim. Anyone can develop one regardless of gender, age, race, social class or religion. There are many factors that could trigger or lead to one but sometimes there are none. Triggering factors range from traumatic events/experiences ( This was the main factor that doctors believed caused mine), there are biological factors such as irregular hormone functions or nutritional deficiencies, psychological factors e.g. poor self esteem, negative body image or environmental factors such as dysfunctional family dynamic, work or hobbies that promote weight loss and unhealthy eating or bullying and control loss over something.  Eating disorders are not limited to anorexia nor is it just people who are severely underweight who are sufferers. There are other eating disorders such as bulimia, binge eating disorder, pica, EDNOS/ OSFED. While having one may affect your physical health, it is a mental illness.

I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia nervosa when I was 14. My eating disorder wasnt solely about losing weight and changing my body it was so much more, believing I didn’t deserve to eat, enjoying the hunger pans because ‘I deserved that pain’, the belief that when I finally did eat it couldn’t stay in so I’d exercise for hours or make myself sick. I wanted to see the bone. It started as losing weight because I believed I’d be happy when I was skinnier as this is what my head convinced me, I also suffered with body dysmorphia too which meant I saw nothing but being too fat. I started believing “me being fat” was why bad things happened.  As my eating disorder progressed I began enjoying the pain of the hunger pangs and it was an additional self destructive strategy. My eating was something I could control. At least at first I could control it, but I ended up so deep in my disorder that I lost all control and it was now controlling me. 

The problem with an eating disorder is you become so consumed by the thoughts and orders it gives and it takes control of you. Your led to believe it’s you and it vs the world when really it’s you and it vs yourself. I lost touch with reality and I believed the thoughts and the voice of the eating disorder. I refused to accept I was ever unwell, I refused to believe that what I saw in the mirror wasn’t the same body others saw. I refused to listen to the professionals and everyone around me. I just didn’t see my illness unravelling rapidly. 

I had been seeing CAMHS (Child and adolescent mental health services) for other problems, but suddenly the focus went to my eating as my physical health started deteriorating. My team and family were concerned and nothing they did or said got through to me. A lot of people didn’t understand, I had many people say “Please JUST eat”. What they didn’t realise is by this point I couldn’t, I felt sick at the thought of food and I just couldn’t deal with the volume of my head intensifying after eating, I couldn’t deal with the guilt and shame that I felt on top of everything else after each meal. The extent of my eating disorder wasn’t apparent until I did start to lose weight quickly and it took its toll on my physical dosed. You don’t one day wake up and think I’m not going to eat anything, it spirals over a period of time. For me it was worsening over a year, starting slowly with restricting calories and skipping meals, to eventually eating nothing at all for weeks. I’d go to school and lie about eating and come home and find excuses to not eat or disguise food and exercise excessively.  I tried so hard to find peace and fight off the feelings and thoughts by burning calories and eating less. What I realise now is I was never content, regardless of how much exercise I did, how little I ate, how many meals I skipped; that voice in my head always screamed at me to go further. Nothing will ever please your eating disorder. I mean you’ll get the feeling of success when you skip a meal, when you feel empty but this isn’t you feeling success, it’s your eating disorder happy it’s got you under its spell. The happiness is temporary until the devil side of your eating disorder strikes and your faced with even more negative criticism from it.

My recovery started when I faced an admission after becoming very unwell physically, despite putting up a hard fight. I was sectioned under the mental health act as I refused to accept treatment but was too unwell physically and mentally to be be seen as having capacity to make this choice. Why did I refuse?Because I didn’t believe I was unwell, I didn’t want hospital to force me to live and eat how they said. I believed they were against me. I believed I was okay. But I was so far from okay,  I see this looking back. I was severely unwell and not just mentally anymore but physically too! They had the section in place and I was now forced to stay in hospital against my will, I was forced to eat, I was forced to have treatment. I was now more scared  of eating and weight gain than of dying. In hospital I was told I would die if I didn’t receive nutrients in the next few days. I was continuously told the dangerously low levels my blood test showed. I was told my organs were slowly weakening and starting to struggle and I had to be on a permanent heart monitor as my heart was starting to become weak; but despite all this medical evidence, I still couldn’t see just how unwell I was.  I wouldn’t have even cared. I was too busy believing it was lies and that I had to listen to my head as that’s the only voice I could trust. I couldn’t see the weight that had fallen off me, I couldn’t see myself as the walking corpse I was. I was tired and I was weak, but my head was screaming how I still had to continue to lose weight.  A bag of bones, too weak to stand at times but I still continued fighting against anyone that tried saving or feeding me. I tried fighting against the hospital staff. I pushed my family away because they made it harder. I had my family members begging me to eat or just allow them to feed me without a struggle. For months I had no contact with the outside world and I didn’t care. At that moment I didn’t care that I was hurting my loved ones. I didn’t care that my family begged me to eat. I didn’t care that I was missing school and my life. For me I had gone my whole life thinking about everyone else and for the first time I had become selfish. My illness changed me. I believed it was me and anorexia against the world because the only way forward was to do as it said and loose weight. I didn’t care about hurting my body, in fact I was gloating at each hunger pan I felt, each bone I felt, each meal I skipped. Pleasing anorexia was all I thought of. But I never could and never would because it would never pleased. I spent 4 weeks on a children’s ward at my local hospital, I was forced to bed rest, continuous feeds, physical health checks, I was watched on 1:1 to make sure I didn’t go to the bathroom or didn’t hurt myself, I had medication forced down me. It was a very confusing, lonely and challenging time for me. I put my walls up so high to everyone.

I started to see reality clearer and I began to make small steps to normality, for example attending therapy and following meal plans. It then took a few years and many relapses to fully recover from anorexia (As fully as it goes). It remained in the back of my mind for a while and whenever I struggled with my mental health, it was the first warning sign for me because it crept back up. I saw signs reappear but I was able to challenge them and not let them control me how they did before. Now I can honestly say, having my control taken from hospital staff and professionals, was 100% better than anorexia taking it. At the time I’d of argued this till I was blue in the face, but now I have my life and I am healthy because they took that control and held it until I was able to take the control back healthily. Health and wealth is by far better than being unhappy just to see the bones. 

My eating disordered triggered my anxiety. I feared putting on weight more than dying. Food petrified me and I became so sly and secretive which was things I’d never been. I hid food, I’d chew food and spit it out because I couldn’t physically swallow it and I’d exercise or purge secretly in my room behind my mums back. I totally lost myself with this illness, in a way I didn’t with any other.

If I could go back and tell that 14-year-old girl to get help and not carry on with such dangerous behaviors, I would. But I can’t so I hope by telling you, whether your deep in it or about to become deep in it that it is not worth it and that it is not the way to go forward, even it right now you cannot see what I can and have witnessed. You may know someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, you may suspect someone is or you may be suffering from one yourself; but it is nothing that you cannot overcome, beat and recover from. That’s not to say it’s easy, a quick fix or pleasant but it is worth it and certainly is possible.. That’s a promise. There is help out there, from friends, family, carers, your GP, services such as mind, CAMHS, counselling services or charities such as beat. I know denial may kick in.

If you’re supporting someone with an eating disorder, don’t underestimate the struggle they are facing. They don’t mean to push you away, they don’t mean to fight against you. I know it’s hard to understand and they make helping them harder than anything but that isn’t them, it’s their illness. It’s hard for you supporting them but it’s hell for them living through it. 


If you’re suffering from an eating disorder, it gets better. One day you’ll look back and smile with how far you’ve come. Your eating disorder isn’t your friend. It isn’t a safety blanket for struggles you need to heal from. It’s a life threatening disorder and I know you may refuse to see the damage it can cause but from a survivor it will. It’s not going to be easy or straight forward. You will get tired and feel like giving in, but even on your darkest days keep going. People around you may not understand but they want to help, no matter what your head tells you. It’s not your fault you developed an eating disorder and it was out of your control but you have to fight and you have to use everything and everyone you have to overcome it.
You can do this

Heels And Boobs

I have a job in a nightclub working behind the bar serving customers drinks and bringing out booth packages. I use to be in charge of VIP booths serving arrogant men who thought they were strucking gold upon me by tipping me £20 after 4 hours of leering and making a mess, and occasionally me marching over with a bucket of ice with overprized vodka, with sparklers, and of course I do wear massive heels.

Those can be some of the most traumatic nights, and not because of the gross men; because of the pain I would be in! My feet actually used to bleed, and I’d get home at about 4am with blisters the size of Mars, and swollen feet. I’d hobble to the toilet during my shift and just sit down and take my shoes off, I’m not even joking.

Anyway back to topic, Just a tip for you ladies who love wearing heels this will save your lives! You need to invest in some Gel cushions if you haven’t already, that you can pop under the balls of your feet to bring you a tonne more comfort than wearing heels without anything, and they honestly do work, and they’re so cheap too. If you get painful feet on a night out, or have to wear heels for work, you need these in your life – they have a sticky side too so they won’t slip out.

Now Boobs and Bras….

Basically I’m not a very big person in general (aside from in the bum department, that area doesn’t seem to have an issue in growing!), I’ve always been quite small in height and frame, my build is just generally petite, meaning that I’ve never had big boobs.

Big boobs, small boobs, and every size in between are all beautiful and all sexy and no one should ever tell you differently. I think there are probably a lot of fellow small chested girls out there who feel like they can’t invest in gorgeous, pretty and lovely bras simply because they don’t see the point but I’m here to tell you that you can and you should. So here are the best designed bras for small boobs.

A bra with no padding whatsoever which you may think is a strange choice for a small chest but actually, once you embrace having small boobs you will realise that thin bras with no padding and delicate detailing are actually one of the best choices. They extenuate what you do have and they look gorgeous on. They may not be the best type of bras for a white t shirt but a loose blouse, or just for the bedroom, this is a perfect bra.

Feminine colours and patterns are always complimentary to small boobs especially with a tan; who said pale pink couldn’t be sexy?! The darker pink lace edging frames your boobs and makes them look rounder and more shapely.

The fitted cups and balcony style will hold your boobs better and make the most out of their size. It has a very thin piece of padding but that’s all that is needed; when you have small boobs you tend to think you need a massively padded bra but all that will do is drown your boobs, gape forward at the front and ride up around your chest.

Black is also a really great colour for making it look like you’ve got a little more than you have, and a bow detail in the middle makes the cups and therefore your boobs, stand out more!

A bralet style compliments a small chest SO well, This is so perfect for smaller busted ladies and the moulded cups mean again, they make the most out of what you’ve got.

So there we have it a post on how to handle wearing high heels and what bras will look cute.

Peace, Love and Gin Xo

Fun Facts About Titanic

Thought I would do something a little different for a post. Titanic is one of my favourite all time films, Taking a look at the making of Titanic behind the scenes, I have discovered a few fun facts and perhaps the reason why our love for the movie will go on and oooooooooon.

  • Kate, in good form, decided to break the tension before it had a chance to arise by flashing her ample assets at her Hollywood superstar opposite. This immediately gave the pair fun and dynamic relationship to work with, and all the steamiest scenes in the movie benefited because of it.
  • Despite being present for the nude drawing scenes, Leo was not the artist who sketched the infamous picture. James Cameron the film director drew  Kate “like one of his French girls”.
  • You don’t get to be as successful as James Cameron without enforcing a few ridiculous on set rules. In the big pool used to recreate the water scenes, Cameron invoked a rule that made Titanic behind the scenes a little unhygienic. He wouldn’t allow loo breaks in order to keep actors in their character and to retain the mood and atmosphere whilst filming the movies most powerful scenes. This meant people would spend hours in the giant pool, swimming in a delightful mixture of water and their own urine.
  • It comes as no surprise, but the freezing water scenes were filmed in freezing temperatures, to get the proper effect. After spending hours in such conditions, poor Kate developed pneumonia.
  • Turns out that Kate was not the first choice for the role of Rose. In fact, she practically had to beg Cameron for the part, calling and writing to him almost daily. Others in the running included Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Aniston.
  • Since the infamous boob flash, Kate and Leo formed a fantastic friendship that has grown and thrived until the present day. Whilst making Titanic behind the scenes there was a strong bond formed, with lots of practical joking along the way.
  • Those who worked Titanic behind the scenes were rumoured to be a lot of fun but, on one occasion some cast and crew members took a funny turn after lunch. Some were giggling in fits of hysterics, others were spaced out and a few were struck with bouts of dizziness and vomiting, even Cameron. Turns out some prankster had spiked the lobster chowder with PCP, but the culprit was never found.

So there we have it a few interesting fun facts about Titanic.

Welcome To My Anxiety…..

On other days, I think I have anxiety. 

Then there are the days when I don’t have anxiety at all. Nothing is wrong. Nothing happens. Absolutely everything is fine. 

Today … well, it’s one of those days where I KNOW I have anxiety. So, I decided to talk about it. People don’t talk about it enough. I don’t talk about it enough. 

My phone is a constant source of anxiety. I have a weird relationship with it. It goes off all the time, mostly group chats or dumb notifications because the people I know — actually know — don’t pick up the phone to talk to me that often. And if they do contact me, it’s usually because something is wrong. If I’m having a good day and anxiety isn’t making me feel like something bad is going to happen constantly, picking up the phone and responding to notifications is no big deal. I can respond to Twitter notifications. I can post something on Instagram. I can do any-fucking-thing. 

But then there are the bad days, and those fuckers can L-A-S-T. There have been times I’ve needed to clear over three thousand emails from my inbox, a result of not reading or responding to a single one for months. I can leave Twitter until it has hundreds of notifications, and Facebook too. I can avoid Instagram, I can leave everyone on read, sometimes months, not wanting to be reminded of just how great everyone else’s life is. I am always criticised for what I write, what I post and what I do… you have your opinion I have mine, I don’t ask you to read my shit, I don’t ask you to comment, you know where the block and delete button is my friends …

I just have a problem with people on bad anxiety days — the days I know I have anxiety. I can’t bring myself to muster up whatever strength it takes to act like I’m okay when inside I’m not feeling okay at all. And when I try, I fuck it up. I say the wrong thing, or I just don’t say anything at all, or I don’t say the right things. I forget to do the polite stuff, like say hello. I don’t remember to ask how they are. I forget the important things in their lives. I’m a terrible friend. It’s no wonder people don’t reach for the phone to ask if I’m okay. It’s a vicious cycle. Even if they were to text or call me I probably wouldn’t respond.

SEE … I’M A TERRIBLE FRIEND. 

The thing is, I’m not a terrible friend. I’m a really good one. I’d give my friends my last fiver if they needed it. My doors would always be open to them, as would my sofa. I’d have tea on tap for them, and all the cookies and biscuits they could possibly want.

Having anxiety feels like I’ve been replaced by a version that’s only half of me. I’ve only got half the conversational skills, half the attention span, half the politeness-capacity. I forget quickly and say offensive things by accident, and sometimes, I don’t know what to say so I just say nothing at all. Every single conversation is exhausting, and proofreading every email/text message/DM a hundred times before I send it takes up what feels like most of my day. It’s for the same reason that I don’t publish blog posts as frequently as I’d like. Or share all the tweets I type out. It all feels not quite ready. Unfinished. With room for improvement. 

Everything seems to annoy me too. Literally … everything. I’m too easily offended or embarrassed, or I get the wrong end of the stick. And then, when I get the RIGHT end of the stick and the other person has actually been offensive or stepped out of line, I question my reasoning for being offended. Was what they said really that bad? Did they mean it that way? Do I really have a right to be upset about this? 

Do I *really* have anxiety and can’t cope with friends/people/anyone on bad days … or am I just a shit person? A shit friend? Can I just snap myself out of it? Should I try? Do I really need to explain myself at all? 

WELCOME TO MY ANXIETY.