A Survivor? Me?

My friend said something to me the other day that made me take a step back. She called me a “survivor”. I apparently “survived” domestic abuse. Did I? Am I a survivor?

I agree that I was in a violent relationship. It was violent, abusive and very soul-destroying, or so I thought. Was my relationship as bad as those women say on the Jeremy Kyle Show, or those horrifying stories that you read in crappy women’s mags? Was my relationship really that bad?

I told my friend that I didn’t think I was a survivor. Not in the way that she made it sound. She looked at me like I was insane. She told me to remember all the things that he’d done to me and then tell myself I wasn’t a survivor.

Let’s take a good hard look at what he did to me and then make the decision of whether I am a survivor. Maybe it’ll do some good and show someone else that they don’t deserve to be in the abusive relationship that they are in. If I can help just one woman believe that she deserves better I’ve done a good job.

I remember one night he pulled me by the hair whilst we were walking home and ripped out my hair extensions and pushed me to the floor because I wanted him to buy me a burger in the kebab shop. He snatched my phone out my hand so I couldn’t call my flat mate at the time. It had been a particularly heavy night out. He scraped the skin from my knees and they were bleeding pretty bad. This was the night I threw my fav red pair of high heels in the river…. in fact it wasn’t me it was my ex… The cock. You just don’t fuck with a girl’s shoes. I walked home bare footed, cutting my feet on glass.

He punched me in the nose once. I fell back off the bed and hit my back and head onto the cube where the TV was. It was the only time he’d ever actually swing for me. I ran into my flat mates bedroom bawling my eyes out with blood coming out of my nose. The only time I had to go to MIU, I thought he broke it.. The punch made me bite through my own bottom lip.

This one night he told me to have a shower and relax and he will do dinner. for us both. I got out the shower and he had done dinner just for himself, in my flat (before he moved in) with my food, my cutlery! So you know what I did? I took the plate from his hands and threw it at the wall (my plate and my food) He then decided to smash my elephants and push me over the coffee table. Resulting in me having bruises up my back.

One night I remember thinking he might actually kill me. I’d been out with the girls and had high heels on, I later think may have saved my life. I was drunk and giggly, he was in a furious bad mood. I can’t remember what happened or how, I just remember being pinned to the bed with his hands around my throat. I remember panicking, things starting to go fuzzy around the edges. I couldn’t focus on him and I couldn’t work out if it was because I was drunk, or if it because he was actually going to kill me. I tried to use my hands and arms to loosen his grip, slapping him in the face but it got tighter… Trying to shut me up. I kicked out my leg and somehow managed to catch the heel in the flesh of his thigh. We didn’t have a big fight like that again. It was just pushing and shoving and an odd slap across the face from then.

I remember November 2018 after we became official … I found text messages he sent to both his ex’s, telling them he missed them and stuff. I cried, shouted and screamed at him. This was the guy I moved into my flat with me and my best mate, He was sleeping rough at the gym at weekends because he didn’t want to be home, I brought him new clothes, I fed him and moved him in within a month of being with him. I pushed him and he pushed him, he pushed me into our chest of drawers, I slapped him that night. I had to do whatever I could to try and get his hands off me. He didn’t have a mark on him yet that night landed me with bruises up my back. I was hurt emotionally and physically.

That was the night I think I think I found out about his past. He told me he was going to jump in the river, he walked out the flat sending me suicidal messages .. I told my flat mate I needed to find him, we drove everywhere looking for him.. Turned out he went back to the flat and made himself a bath.. This is abuse, guilt tripping me into thinking something bad was going to happen?!

He said some truly awful shit to me too. He told me my figure repulsed him. He told me I was bad in bed. I am a horrible person. He wanted a skinnier, prettier wife. He hurt me because he could. He use to always bring me down, so i started bringing him down to see how he liked it.. Yet it was always my fault never his. Things went back to normal for a few months. Normal?! What is normal? We started fighting again and the pushing and shoving started.

As I write these things down, it’s almost as though they didn’t happen to me. It feels like I am writing a story about another girl in another lifetime. Technically, it’s true – that was a totally different girl in a completely different lifetime. It’s like a smack in the face (excuse the pun) when I see all the things he did to me written down in black and white. Did I think that he would kill me? Yes. Yes I did. We were a recipe for disaster.

 I thought it wouldn’t get easy. But I can assure you it does! He forced me into moving out my own home, (which was a joint tenancy) I bought everything for the flat.. his mum thrown my stuff into the spare room… this made me realise my worth. I escaped a very manipulative man, someone who I thought loved me. But it wasn’t love at all. This has shaped me into a stronger woman and I’m thankful for you ending it. Social media and things that are happening behind closed doors and two different things. Yes I looked happy and so did he …

This part isn’t easy, In March 2019 his mum made me abort my own baby because my ex “wasn’t ready” she pressured me into getting rid of a mini me. To this day I have not got over it and I never will. August 2019 my ex physically abused me to the point where the police were called and he was arrested and spent the night in a cell.. his mum manipulated me and guilt tripped me into dropping the charges because it would fuck up his career.

Seeing all this and reading it back to myself, I realise that technically, I was a survivor of domestic abuse. And it wasn’t all physical either – it was mental too. Complete mental torture on both parts I guess.

I feel sorry for my family, my mum went through hell and I never realised. She had sleepless nights, long and tearful conversations with my family to figure out how to get me to leave, and in the end she gave up and refused to listen to me anymore in a bid to shock me. The fact I was set to marry him .. what a fucking joke.

In conclusion, I think everyone involved in this horrid situation was a survivor. And yes, after this long and complicated debate with myself, I realise that I am too a survivor. I don’t hate my ex, I don’t hate you. That’s the first thing I want to say to you. As I look at my TimeHop and I’m reminded of the short time we had together. I realise I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you at all. I want to but I just don’t. Because I have matured. I don’t hate you because hate takes up so much energy and you’re not really worth that. I barely even think about you and when I do, I don’t really feel much. I laugh when I remember the good times, I feel a small stab of sentimental sadness when I remember the bad, but that’s about it.

I just hope you can sleep with yourself at night, knowing what you did to me. Knowing what you did to someones property (keeping this out my blog for reasons) I also hope, one day, Karma comes around and bites you on the ass like you deserve. I don’t need to exact my revenge on you. You’re not worthy of anything I could deliver best served cold. Everything you did will catch up with you and you won’t be able to charm or fuck your way out of it.

I’m not letting anyone dampen my sparkle. I know my worth, it’s taking time, but I’m getting there. If you’re struggling out there just remember that feeling is temporary, focus on what you do have, love those around you and most importantly LOVE YOURSELF.

I AM A SURVIVOR! Whoever is reading this SO ARE YOU!

What I’ve Learnt Being Single & Dating

I’ve changed so much over the last 6 months or however long it’s been since I became single, and the stuff I’ve learnt about not only myself but relationships and life and everything that comes with it has been very much welcomed into my brain that had become a place that thought it was normal to not receive a text for 5 days from my own boyfriend.

I decided to put together a list of what I’ve learnt, and I hope it serves you well, whether you’re in a committed relationship, or you’re in a committed relationship with a bottle of Echo Falls (me).

1) Reliability is Good – When you’re in a toxic, one sided relationship, it’s so draining that you almost try and make yourself think it’s ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ and it’s a ‘chase’. It’s your way of dealing with it and managing to get through. Throughout the last few months, I have come to realise what’s actually fun and exciting is reliability. Knowing someone likes you and wants to see you, and will tell you that, is so much better and more satisfying than some little prick who only WhatsApps you when he wants something, and yes, that can include someone you’re in a relationship with. Not knowing where you stand with someone isn’t stimulating, but reliability is.

2) It Really Does Happen For a Reason – In the midst of my breakup, I really did think my life was over. I was literally devastated, and could not physically foresee a time where I’d ever feel real happiness again. Little did I know, that breakup would be the best thing that would ever happen to me. It’s taught me to try and look past awful times and situations, because you don’t know the positive things they can actually bring.

3) Game Playing Is Not For Me – I finally got thrown back into the world of dating after being engaged, and all this has taught me is that I really cannot be fucked with game playing. I’m (unfortunately) not a teenager who has years of mistakes to make and time to waste with men who think it’s absolute lols to post pictures of them draped over girls in nightclubs, not text me for 4 working days and have their phone glued to them no matter where they go for fear I might see they’re messaging 280 other females from the general Somerset area. Not texting back for an entire day just to play ‘hard to get’ when you’re a man in his late twenties/early thirties is not something on my agenda anymore huns; they are probably the same men that think periods are disgusting and that ‘natural women’ are best but they still expect flawless skin, long hair and lashes, a perfect tan, big lips, boobs and bum and a tiny waist. Off you fuck Steve.

4) Don’t Take Shit – It’s best to nip any shit in the bud immediately; if it’s really bad then get rid, if it’s rectifiable then a firm warning and one more strike and you’re out rule should do the trick. When you’re single for a while, you get comfortable with yourself and basically make an internal decision that you’re fine by yourself and anyone who’s gonna change that can’t bring any unnecessary stress to your life.

5) Be 100% Yourself – I have changed myself so many times for men. Dressed to please them, worn less makeup, read books I don’t like, watched films I hate, listened to music that I despise, all to impress them, fit into their mould and make them want me. I did it with my exes, and I won’t do it again, because if a relationship is based on false pretences it will never work anyway.  I love music many would describe as ‘shit’, watch cringey films, slather myself in layers of fake tan, swear quite a lot, drink prosecco like there’s about to be a world shortage, and have a blog I document my life on. If Daniel, 23 from Burnham doesn’t like that then it’s his loss because when I stop eating shit, drinking so much, work out and calm down a bit when I drink I’m gonna be an absolute CATCH.

6) If You’re Not Feeling It, Don’t Go There – I’ve gone on dates with people and been speaking to people who are seemingly ‘perfect’ for me, except I am just not feeling it. Everyone around me has been like ‘Oh just go on another date with him!’ or ‘He seems really nice, just see him again and you’ll end up liking him’. What I’ve realised is I literally don’t have to see anyone I don’t want to see, I don’t owe anyone anything, and if it’s not there for me then it’s just not there, which brings me onto my next point…

7) When You Know, You Know – I used to think my feelings of discomfort, or not being sure about somebody, and thinking hopefully they’d start treating me better/change their behaviour were normal and that I’d be 100% sure about them soon. I have learnt over the last few months that you know when someone is right for you and you know if they’re meant to be in your life or not. People ask ‘But how do you know if someone is right for you?’, but you honestly do just know. They slot into your life easily, make you feel comfortable and happy, and you’re content and not stressed from dealing with someones shit all the time.

8) You Deserve More – I think when we’ve gone through months or even years of being treated like shit,we become accustomed to it, we think it’s what we deserve and that it’s normal. We go out looking for people who will continue to treat us like that, to reaffirm our own warped view that we aren’t worthy of normal love. I’ve learnt over the course of the end of last year and the start of this year, that I do deserve someone who doesn’t treat me like a twat, spends time with me, priorities me amongst other things in their life, isn’t wasting my time and genuinely cares about me. I literally reached a point where I was like ‘Nope, no more, if I get together with one more time wasting prick I will move to Kathmandu and take up cross stitching cos I can’t deal with this shit anymore’, and I’ve vowed to keep that promise to myself no matter what.

9) You Don’t Actually Need Anyone – I have realised I really, really don’t need anyone romantically involved in my life unless they benefit it rather than add stress and negativity. If they make me happy and add good things to my life then great, but if not then…bye felicia.

10) Valuing the Experiences – I have gotten to a place where I am glad of all the shit in the past. I’m happy I was cheated on, treated like shit, been called every name under the sun, been dumped – I never thought I would, but it’s made me  away more resilient person, taught me exactly what I don’t want in my life and the kind of people I don’t want, and also given me a much higher sense of self worth. I am so glad it all happened, as it makes you appreciate meeting someone who wouldn’t dream of treating you like that, and it makes you value being out of those truly horrible situations.

I hope you enjoyed this blog post, no matter what your current situation.

Know Your Worth

I wouldn’t classify myself as a hardcore Drake fan but If #DrakeTaughtMe anything, it was something I believed in long before he made it a hot line in a hot song. “Know Yourself, Know Your Worth

In today’s world, many people are having trouble discovering themselves. They are lost and trying to find someone or something to save them from pain, suffering and sorrow. In order for someone to discover self-worth, you must first look within. If you don’t take the initial step, why should you expect anyone to follow and help you?

This process can be lengthy and emotional, however, it’s mandatory if you want to see improvement in this area of your life. Being comfortable with who you are is everything, it’s your personal blueprint and foundation of self-worth. Without knowing exactly who you are, receiving and accepting love and happiness will be challenging. Settling and disappointment will be inevitable.

I have a message for you: Create YOUR own lane. Run YOUR own race. Life is not about keeping up with The Kardashians. Believe in yourself and live the happy life you want without thinking about what others will say or do. They will say regardless.

Peace, Love and Gin xo

Emotions Every Girl Experiences When She’s In An Almost Relationship

1. Confusion. Almost always sending you mixed signals. One day, you will be convinced they want a relationship with you, and the next day, you will be convinced you’re the one who cares more and you’re only fooling yourself to think you’ll become a couple. No matter how hard you try to figure out what is running through their mind, you never know exactly what the other is thinking. Just when you feel like you have them figured out, they do something that throws you completely off guard and you’re right back at square one again.

2. Excitement. You get butterflies whenever their name appears on your phone, whenever they compliment you on your outfit, whenever their skin brushes against yours on accident. There’s so much chemistry between the two of you that you’re constantly feeling electricity. You’re constantly on a high. You’re constantly feeling awake, adventurous, alive. And you never want that feeling to go away.

3. Impatience. There are some moments when you’re perfectly happy with your almost relationship because it feels like you’re on the right track. And there are other moments when you just want them to make a damn move already. They obviously like hanging out with you and they are obviously attracted to you. So why is it taking them so long to make it official? What is the holdup? Should you be the one to take charge? Or do they simply prefer to take things slow?

4. Jealousy. It’s hard not to get annoyed when the guy you are talking too is flirting with other people — but you have to remind yourself that they don’t owe you anything. They aren’t in an official relationship with you. They don’t have to stay loyal. Of course, that doesn’t make the situation suck any less. If anything, it sucks more because you feel like your emotions aren’t allowed.

5. Fear. Even though you are willing to take a risk on love, there’s still a part of you that is nervous about everything backfiring on you. There are a million questions that run through your head, more commonly than you would like to admit. What if this person hurts you? What if they end up breaking your heart? What if you get stuck grieving a relationship that never existed in the first place? What if getting involved with them was a stupid idea? What if you should’ve kept your heart to yourself? 

6. Disappointment. When someone you assumed would become your partner ends up leaving you alone, you feel foolish. You feel played. Above all, you feel disappointed. There were so many things you wanted to do together. There were so many plans you imagined in your mind. And now it’s all over. They’re gone. And they’re never coming back.

7. Relief. Even though you had your heart set on ending up with them once upon a time, it’s really a relief that it is over. It’s a relief that you don’t have to keep wondering how they feel. It’s a relief that you can finally move on, finally find someone who is better suited for you.

The Beauty In Breakups

You are never stuck in your situation. You are never obligated to continue on an uncomfortable path. You are allowed to change course. You are allowed to rearrange your priorities. You are allowed to walk away from a situation stunting your growth. You are allowed to choose the hardest option, the unpopular option, in order to reach a place of peace..

I am slowly learning to see the silver lining in breakups. Losing love is something to mourn — but it is also something to celebrate. It means you are free from a dead-end relationship and can search for another one that will provide you with everything you need, everything your last relationship was lacking. Breaking up means you are given a fresh chance. It means you get to try again, to feel butterflies again, to share first kisses again.

Even though walking away from someone you love is the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, I am slowly learning to see the beauty in breakups. I am slowly learning to see the benefits they can bring. Even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time, your breakup is going to be good for you. It is going to strengthen you.

When the person you’ve spent ninety-nine percent of your time with leaves, you have hours of untouched time. You can do anything you want with that time. You can travel. You can meet up with friends you haven’t seen. You can pursue a new passion. You can restart your search for love.

Breakups encourage reflection. They push you to take a step back and examine your life, your choices, your paths. They make you wonder whether you are living up to your full potential. They make you reevaluate what means the most to you, what you care about deeply and what you would be okay living without.

Breakups remind you the way you are living is not the only way to live. At any point, you can make a change. At any point, everything can be different. You have the power to change paths, even if you have grown comfortable, even if change sounds scary.

They are a reason to break free from your comfort zone and take more risks.

I am slowly learning to see the beauty in breakups. Losing love is never easy — but it can be a catalyst. It can be the shove you need to send your world hurdling in the right direction. 

7 Life Lessons I have learnt

I thought I would share some valuable life lessons I have learnt so far. Between the better moments in my life, there’s obviously been some really tough times so I feel as though I’ve spent more time feeling deflated, rather than happy this year. Which obviously = some serious life lessons learnt– and me being me, I thought that I’d share just what life has taught me so far this year… (cos’ sharing is caring and all that)

1.) Never ever compare your own life to those the same age as yourself
Throughout the entirety of last year, I made the age old mistake of comparing my own life/achievements to those the same age as myself. Whether that be a quick facebook stalk, or a chat with a friend, I constantly felt inadequate, and if I’m being completely honest, a little sick each time yet another person my age achieved something that I still hadn’t. I felt so so far behind compared to everybody else, as though I was living life wrong almost, and I’ve finally realised that life is not a race, and that everybody has ‘their time’. Things will work out.

2.) The importance of new
How many times as adults do we say to someone we don’t know all that well ‘you know what, I feel like we’d get on so well, do you want to go for cocktails/lunch?’ – I’m guessing hardy ever? But that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and I tell you now; it’s taught me A LOT. It’s boosted my confidence massively, and I’m no longer as painfully shy, if I have to meet up for a work meeting I can do it like a breeze when I’d previously have struggled. So I’m all for taking time out to meet new people and experience new things to help me grow as a person nowadays.

3.) No, THAT won’t do
Carrying out things half heartedly, half assed is just not good enough. I’ve recently learnt that unless you go at something and give it your all, well then you might as well not bother. Mediocre effort simply won’t do, or else what’s the point? Things worth having don’t come easy, so if you want something bad enough you’ve gotta put all of your efforts into it or else you’re only letting yourself down.

4.) It’s absolutely vital that you let your hair down from time to time
Letting your hair down, drinking, dancing and enjoying yourself is SO needed… Now I’m not saying ‘girl, neck an entire bottle of wine, get really drunk and start dancing like you think you’re Shakira’ (totally guilty of that, not going to lie) I’m just saying, make time to have funnn. I think sometimes we can get too caught up in everyday life or we simply think ‘I can’t be bothered tonight’ but it’s so so important to let go and escape ‘real life’ for a while.

Drink fruity cocktails, dance like a diva as though nobody is watching, laugh loudly, sing- life’s too short to spend it constantly bored and stressed. And you don’t even have to go out if that’s not your thing, I’ll do this on the regular in my own bedroom #livingmybestlife.

5.) It’s okay not to be okay
Please just bloody share with people when something is wrong, don’t bottle it up and pretend that you’re okay, just to fake that you’re fine when you really aren’t. Invite a friend round, or have a girly day with your mum and then gossip, cry and laugh with wine and don’t think you have to ‘be strong’ – share feelings as it always feels better, trust me.


6.) Self-belief and confidence is key
You CAN achieve absolutely anything if you really believe in yourself. Self belief is a powerful thing. “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ..And I’m probs going to get a text after my grandma has read this paragraph like ‘Sophia, but you’re the worlds worst for continually doubting yourself’ and she’d be 100% right to do so because I really am the worst for this, which is why I’m starting to learn that I’m actually less productive and unlikely to achieve when I have this mindset, when I focus and tell myself that I can the difference in progress is HUGE.

7.) Lazy, self care days are vital to recharge batteries
And last but not least; it’s impossible to pour from an empty cup, meaning that entire days spent watching films, eating good food and taking time to chill and reenergise are absolutely needed. Have a pamper night and get ready to tackle the week ahead with so much more motivation! I’m thinking I’m going to buck my ideas up and cheer the hell up. I’m definitely aiming after lockdown to be more sociable, fun and carefree as what’s happened has happened now!


Do you lot have any valuable life lessons to share? I’d love to hear them!

Life lessons

I have asked a handful of ladies to share with me what they’ve learnt as women. They’re all women who have somehow shaped the life I lead and positively contributed to it. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I did and can take something from these quotes. Thank you to everyone in my life who took the time to share something with me for this post.

”A lot of things taste better than skinny feels. Kate Moss can fuck off”

”Do what makes you happy as life is short; time goes quickly so follow your dreams and don’t put things off”

”Whenever you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, ask yourself if it will matter in a week, a month, a year, 5 years…if not, take a deep breath, and walk away with your head held high and if it does matter do the exact same thing”

”I surround myself with positive people that encourage, help and support. My younger adult years felt like an overwhelming battle of bitchiness of ‘Who’s the prettiest’ and ‘What is she wearing’, and actually, it’s complete bullshit In business I support other women all the time”

”Resilience is key to success; you shouldn’t give up on anything just because you’ve had knock backs”

”Be your own person, believe in everything you do, and make sure you are surrounded by good people who will never judge you, always support you, and bring you wine”

“Travel the world as much as you can – there is a big wide world out there full of all different people from all walks of life; some people don’t get to experience that – don’t become one of them. Look after your family and friends, you need them as much as they need you”

”Be happy everyday, don’t dwell on things as in a years time you won’t even remember it! If you love someone, look after them and make them happy. You only live once so enjoy it!”

”Be courageous but kind”

And to finish things off, I thought I may as well share my own advice…

Never underestimate your achievements. Make sure you take the time to look back at how far you’ve come. Keep hold of the few good, loyal friends you find throughout your life; you’ll want to hang on to them. You only get one go at life so make it count. Don’t be scared to tell people to fuck off when it’s necessary. You will find someone who kisses the ground you walk on in good time. Be whoever you want to be, you can love makeup and heels at the same time as loving politics and current affairs.

And lastly, don’t let anyone shit on your dreams. Peace, Love and Gin xo

Girls Nights In

Rewind to 2018, when flavoured gins exploded in popularity, and I fell into a deeper love; gin suddenly overtook the deep love affair I’ve had with prosecco all the years, and became the centre and focus of any girl’s night in.

I was never particularly creative when it came to food or drinks, and would’ve much preferred having something readily prepared for me, that I could put in the microwave for 4 minutes, or pop open and pour in a glass.

In recent years, my domestic tendencies have surprisingly gone from strength to strength (not least surprisingly to myself) and I’ve found actual happiness in concocting things in the kitchen, some may not have been entirely digestible over the years but…I’ve got there in the end.

Another thing I’ve learnt aside from how to make a lasagne or an Aperol Spritz as I’ve got older, I’ve realised the importance of friends more than ever; as friends get married, have careers and babies and houses, and people move in with their partners, it becomes more difficult .The value of good friends isn’t something to be underestimated; in life, we tend to think the person we’re romantically involved with is the one we can turn to no matter what. This is true in many people’s lives, but if anything is to go wrong our friends are the people we can always rely on. A night in with food, drinks and laughter, is the cure for all manner of things. And gin…I mean, it was used as medicine years ago.

When I was younger (God I’ve noticed how old I sound saying that these days…someone intervene when I start sentences with” back in my day”), I couldn’t think of anything worse than a night in; a night in?! What is this strange concept? Staying indoors? How could something that didn’t involve a packed, sweaty nightclub and a kebab at 5am bring me any joy? The years passed by and the pure exhaustion has hit me at 8pm every night, alongside the deep yearning inside me to stay in my pyjamas and not have to leave my house to socialise. Thankfully, my friends feel the same, and we are of mutual agreement that why on earth would you put on shoes and a bra, when you could stay in the comfort of your own home and drink gin instead whilst blasting out the Female Power Vocals Spotify playlist?

Grow through – What you go through

It’s a quote I see on Instagram all the time, and usually cringe at, because I cringe at most things, but when you’re going through a shit time, you tend to not cringe as much. When I saw this quote the other day, I started thinking about the shit times in my life; the properly shit times, not just when I’m due on and cry at Britain’s Got Talent auditions whilst snorting a 12 bag of Aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire Puddings (cooked, obviously – I’m not a complete animal) through the sobs. All of those experiences, at the time, I thought would quite literally kill me, and yet here I still am, slightly changed from them, but here all the same. 

When my relationship broke down a couple of months ago, I genuinely thought my world was over. I could not see a time ahead when I wouldn’t feel like that. It was a bit like going through a pitch-black tunnel where you can’t see the end. Your friends and family are outside the tunnel, and they’re shouting through telling you that you’re nearly out of it and to keep going, alongside ‘He was a fucking twat anyway!’, but it doesn’t help at all, because you’re still stuck in that bloody tunnel and try as you might, you can’t see even a glimmer of light. 

A few weeks ago, I read back some old messages between me and the boyfriend from when we started talking and from when we broke up, and it was the strangest experience because I was laughing out loud at texts that once upon a time had seemingly broken my heart. Maybe I’ve grown as a person since then, or maybe I’d just grown a better sense of humour; maybe I’d just grown better eyesight at identifying when someone really was a fucking twat. The best feeling in the world with that relationship, and the previous ones, was realising I didn’t feel angry or upset…I felt indifferent. Indifference really was the most content of emotions 

However, there are messages in my WhatsApp archive I’ll never be able to look at without feeling like someone’s drop kicked me in the spleen, but that’s life. You won’t be able to look back and laugh at everything, but you will be able to look back one day and feel glad it happened, and sad it’s over. 

I think back to all the shit, sad, heartbreaking moments in my life. Illnesses, deaths, relationships ending, friendships dwindling; every single one shaped me in some way, but also taught me. 

Illness taught me that no one is exempt from anything, even when you’re in your own little bubble; it also taught me to make sure you’re nice to your parents so that when you are in hospital with a life threatening illness, they don’t leave you to eat hospital slop (everything seems identifiable as shepherd’s pie, even when it’s not), and bring you Nando’s instead. Death showed me life is short and precious and no one bloody gets out alive anyway, so you may as well do what the fuck you want because what else is there to do? Relationships ending showed me that A) He’s not the one when he asks you to transfer him 50p for the packet of crisps he bought you and B) Time is the biggest healer, even though it’s a pain in the arse waiting around to stop feeling sub-human. They also showed me that there’s life after someone, even if it doesn’t feel like it, and you’ve spent the past week on a diet of wine and Cheese Strings. Friendships dwindling showed me that you will have different friends throughout your life, some come and go, some come and stay, and you should hang on to those that have your back, don’t judge you, and happily sit and listen to the same old shit you’ve been going on about for the last 8 months and don’t tell you to shut the fuck up, even if they’re thinking it. 

You really do grow through what you grow through, although sadly in my case, it’s not in the boob area. 

Breakup

I am the Queen of Failed Relationships. I have been on, and I sigh and mutter a lot of dates in my time. Most have led to nothing; a lot have been a date singular; some have been 3 or 4 dates; some have led to me seeing them and some have led to a relationship. All of them have led to them either going nowhere, or a breakup. I’m not the girl who’s on speaking terms with her ex. You will get over a break up, and not just that, but you’ll love someone else again. And sadly, probably quite a few more people before you find The One. At the time the thought of anyone else makes you want to retch, but anything good takes time, trust me. 

There were times when these boys, these men (I never know what to call them)the thought of not having them in my lives felt like I’d been stabbed repeatedly in the chest, and then my bloodied, bruised heart had been ripped out, used in a game of 5 a side, and then stuffed back in. When people tell me they’re heartbroken over someone and literally cannot get out of bed, I fully understand how they feel. I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt but bought the entire franchise. I know how you feel. You just have to laugh it off and get on with your life 

You go through life and relationships, and you learn more as you go along, and take things with you, so that with each relationship and romantic encounter you’re a different person to who you were before, and you know more and have learnt more. And hopefully the same things don’t happen again. Each love will be different as you get older, and that’s a good thing. What I’m trying to say, in the most roundabout way, is that you will move on, and not just that, but you’ll fall in love again too. I can promise you that .