PLACES I HAVE VISITED IN 2020

Hey Everyone, hope you are all keeping well?

I always get asked how I find the nicest places? Whats my secret? and that I should make a blog of the places i have visited. So here it is, here is my post dedicated to places I visited in 2020 and some tips to help you plan your visit.

My First stay with Joe was Chester – Indigo Hotel on the 14th March 2020. We aimed to go to Chester because of their Zoo, Joe planned the whole weekend and it was lush! Would highly recommend visiting when we are allowed to do so. I am obsessed with elephants and they have the most gorgeous water hole for elephants. It’s around a 4 hour drive with traffic (long I know) but if you are anything like us blasting out some old skl and singing along, the time flys.

Gallery image of this property
Hotel Indigo – Chester – £180 Deluxe King Room – 1 Night
Nelly The Elephants – Chester Zoo

Our second stay was a little different, with everything going on to do with Covid we just needed a break out of lockdown. We booked the cheapest hotel and just packed our things and went. On the 19th August 2020 we went to Falmouth had some seafood, drank endless amounts and discovered a beautiful beach cove. From this venture we were eager to book another.

Basset Cove – North Cliffs.
Basset Cove Beach

As my Birthday month came, I was eager to get away. We were browsing, I did some smooching around on Instagram and came across The Cornwall Hotel And Spa. We booked this straight away without hesitating,this stay was relaxing, beautiful and exactly what we needed. We learnt more about us as a couple It was just needed after a few crappy months. So on the 14th October we went on an adventure in St Austell. We visited the Eden Project, Tintagel Beach and Merlins Cave, The lost gardens of Heligan and also took a trip to Plymouth on the way home for a game of crazy golf and some more yummy food. As you can tell I am an adventurous soul!

The Eden Project
Tintagel Beach and Merlins Cave
The Lost Gardens Of Heligan
The Cornwall Hotel and Spa
My Love – Every Adventure With You Is An Adventure To Remember ❤

Our final trip of 2020 was at the most beautiful shepherds hut tucked away in Launceston. We planned to do this in December before Christmas, we were very very lucky to have been able to have this trip due to lockdown! On the 9th December 2020 we embarked on another adventure, I have never been so relieved and happy to be somewhere remote and just hearing the sounds of birds. At this trip it was a hot tub getaway in the middle of nowhere, we drank, cooked meals together and played board games. Had barrels of laugh together with the pigs on the farm! On the way back home, we stopped off to Exeter for some Christmas shopping and some Wagamamas of course.

Landrends Cornish Holidays
Landrends Cornish Holidays

Now those were our 2020 Staycations! It has been hard with Covid and Lockdown, I have been very very lucky and I count my blessings each day. Now you ask and wonder how I book and find these places? As you can see most of where we went in 2020 was in Cornwall. My advice? Google your surroundings, look on instagram, look on pinterest. All my bookings are done via Booking.com or AirBnB with a 20% discount from Booking.com. With Falmouth we were very very lucky to find the beautiful basset cove, most of my ventures are through driving elsewhere and then googling a place we past and searching near that area. Google Maps comes in very handy!

I sometimes love to have a plan of what we are doing whenever we go away, but sometimes I also love to be spontaneous. Joe has always said, I am outgoing, Ambitious and Courageous oh and a little dopey but he is clumsy so 😉 ( last valentines he knocked the candle off the table in a french restaurant ) What I am trying to get at here? Any trip you can make memorable, even if it’s eating out of a can of beans in front of a fire, no matter what the situation you are surrounded by the ones you love and for that you are lucky!

I wonder what trips will come out of 2021, will we get a summer like 2018? If you need advice on where to book or need help looking for romantic places, let me know? I love planning stuff like this!

But for now, I am going to finish watching How To Get Away With Murder, with a large hot chocolate.

Stay safe everyone!

Peace, Love and Gin xox

REFLECTING ON MY 2020 CHOICES

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re all well. With the recent news of Lockdown 3.0, I am reflecting back on 2020 and looking at my goals, what I have achieved and what I will achieve.

I have recently started a degree in Business Management, this is something I have always aimed to do and would like to progress with Journalism. This came a light after my world got turned around August 2020, I received some upsetting news which made me hit rock bottom. Lockdown had affected my mental health, but the news I received I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. It is something I am still dealing with and have to live with. I turned to drink and drove my car half a mile which ended up with me losing my licence for a year. Full of regrets but onward and upwards, this is what pushed me to turn my life around.

I was recently diagnosed with severe PTSD November 2020 which I am now getting therapy for, 6 sessions in and I and I am doing great. For anyone that doesn’t know Severe PTSD is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms can include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my childhood and adult life, I have witnessed and seen things I cannot explain.

I am so proud of myself for plucking up the courage to apply for open university after putting it off since 2016. I wanted to turn my life around and do something for me. I started this blog April 2020, I want to progress with my career, manage a company and write articles for magazines. I have recently been given another snippet to write in the Guardian (Not about Engagements this time) Long story…

I guess I should start by saying it probably seems totally random to many people. I work full time, I love to write, and I’ve loved having a blog. I want to say that I love this blog and my social media, I love updating my life on what I am doing, but keeping some stuff private still. Yes, you get the odd troll but predominantly, the people who follow me and who I speak to are truly amazing. I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say you’ve all saved me in ways you can’t even imagine. I genuinely don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for all of you, who read what I write, follow me, like or comment or message me. It may seem small to you, but to me every small interaction is something that has helped me through so many different things in my life and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I can’t explain how blessed a life it is to lead, that when you’re going through crap, or feel at your lowest, and someone pops up to say ‘I hope you’re okay’ or even ‘I found this chocolate in a supermarket I think you’d like’.

I want to write and post and share. I want to help people by talking about things and letting people know that it’s okay to feel certain ways, and to be different, and to go through difficult things and that it will all be okay in the end. I have loved writing and reading since I exited the womb, and one of my life goals has always been to write a book, which I’ve promised myself I will do – but I guess the point I’m trying to make, in the most long winded way, is that I’ve felt lost during 2020.

I’ve felt like I wasn’t fulfilling my potential – and I don’t mean that in a bigheaded ‘I’m better than this way’ – what I mean is that I am so interested and passionate about helping people and writing, and I’m just generally someone who loves to learn, to read – and has always had a massive interest in Journalism. My goal for 2021 is to pass my first year of Business Management and focus on Journalism, I would love to become an agony aunt for newspapers/magazines.

Applying for a degree was a nerve wracking decision to make because 1) it’s a lot of money to spend and 2) I’m 23 and work full time! In all seriousness though, it has taught me that it’s never too late to do anything, or to start all over again. It’s your life, and it has limitless possibilities.

I am pretty sure I want to manage a company and write articles for magazines. I am being completely open minded and I am going to speak to as many people as I can in both careers Business Management and Journalism, and do as much research as possible to make sure that I make the right choice for me.

My life in 2020 turned upside down, hit rock bottom but some what picked me back up and I have blossomed. You want something, you need to go for it. You want to run a business, start a business, do a degree, get fit. DO IT! Do not sit and ponder, the world is your oyster, a couple set backs and you will have a major comeback.

All I know is that I am so excited for this new stage of my life, and I can’t wait to bring you all along with me!

Speak soon.

Peace, Love and Gin xoxo

Learn To Love Yourself.

Hi Guys,

Now we are heading into the New year, I thought I would write a blog post on How To Love Yourself. Learn to love yourself more when we go into 2021.

Your love will keep you warm on days when everything feels cold, from a cup of hot coffee to your best friend’s touch. It will let you take a break and stop you from being too hard on yourself and make you believe that you are more than your terrible past and failed relationships. Loving yourself will soothe your back gently while you face your fears and not let your anxiety win and buy you an ice-cream on a bad day and applaud at every little step you take forward. 

Your love will keep your heart pumping with happiness and not let any negative thought invade your beautiful mind. When you sing your favourite songs and dance your heart out your eyes shine the brightest. It will make you realise that you are enough and as long as you have your own back, nothing can stop you from conquering the world. Your love will teach you to not be just kind to others but to yourself too. it will tell you how to love right. 

To love yourself the way you love others, You need to follow these steps.

Distance yourself from the people that make you feel like you’re not good enough. You know deep down in your heart if someone isn’t good for you, so live your truth. 

You slowly stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone has their own journey, and you could be comparing your life to someone you know nothing about. Live your own life at your own pace. Live life on your own terms. Remember no one knows what happens behind closed doors.

You learn how to be kind to yourself. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t let one negative thought become the way you feel about yourself. Try your very best to turn a negative into a positive; and watch how quickly your mindset can change. 

You take care of yourself. Go for more walks, or find something that you enjoy, something that makes you feel good about yourself, something that makes you come home to yourself, and try and do it a few times a week. Try to turn toxic habits into new ones that are good for you and your mind. 

You start to deeply think about the people you spend time with. Are they toxic? Do they bring you down? Do you feel like you are worth more than the way they make you feel? It might be time to evaluate the kind of people you are surrounding yourself with and align yourself with people that lift you up and appreciate you. 

You unfollow people on social media that make you feel like you need to look a certain way or you are constantly comparing yourself to. It’s not weak. It’s called seIf-preservation, and it’s powerful. 

You learn how to stand up for yourself. Take control of a situation when you feel like you are being taken advantage of. It might be uncomfortable at first, but once you start to stand up for yourself you will learn to respect yourself so much more over time. 

You understand that loving yourself is a process. It’s not going to happen overnight. Be patient with yourself, and give yourself the time you need to heal and grow to love who you are on the inside and on the outside. Don’t let anyone stand in the way of the person you are becoming.

If you need any more tips you can comment/ email me annonymously.

All my love,

Peace, Love and Gin Xoxox

Tips For Starting A Blog

Hi everyone! I hope you’re all well.

Today is quite literally my most requested blog post of all time; how to start a blog, run one, get people to read it, make money from it etc, so I thought I’d finally get round to writing one up for you all!

Nervous?

Everyday I get messages from people saying they want to start a blog but they’re scared about what people will say or think. So, I know mine is a work in progress and most people know who I am and I’ve been literally ripped the piss out of it. Do I care? Do I fuck. My dream since I was 4 years old has been to write, and that’s what I’m doing, so it sucks to be you if you give a shit that someone else is achieving their dreams.

If you want to start a blog, start a blog. You’re doing it for you, not for anyone else. Fuck ’em.

Find Your Topic

So, you want to start a blog. First of all, what are you going to write about? Travel, beauty, fitness, cooking, books,relationships, gaming, interiors, or a bit of everything? Decide what it is you want to blog about, and go from there. It doesn’t matter what you want to write about, just do it – make sure you’re passionate about it though.

Choose Your Platform

The two main platforms, as far as I’m aware, for starting a blog, are WordPress and Blogger. I know nothing about Blogger, but I have heard that it’s pretty good. I started my blog on WordPress, by literally signing up and having a WordPress hosted site; so it was .wordpress.com, and then I switched after about 6 months I believe, when I bought my own domain .co.uk however it is still hosted via WordPress.

I find Wordress really easy to use, to edit and create blogs, and look at your website stats and views, pretty much anyone could use WordPress easily!

Create Your Social Media

I recommend creating your own blog social media channels; so rather than promoting everything on your personal Twitter and Instagram (which of course you should also do) and I do, I think that you should start specific accounts with the same names as your blog, just so it’s easier for people to find you, and makes everything nice and concise.

You don’t have to do that, or do any of my points, but it’s just what I think looks good and makes everything easier.

Equipment

You really don’t need anything more than a phone with internet access to start out; you don’t need to splash out on big fancy cameras, editing equipment and MacBook Pros! You can take bright, clear images on an iPhone and edit them, and you can write and edit blog posts on your phone too. It does make it easier to do it on a laptop, but it’s really not a necessity.

Costs

My domain/hosting fees for my website costs me a certain amount per year, but if you’re not buying a domain and just running  a WordPress site, it’s free.

Be Yourself

So, you’ve created your blog and social media, and you’ve began posting. Make sure you stay true to yourself. Of course people grow and evolve and I’m certainly a very different and way more mature person now than I was when I started, but you need to stay true to who you are, and put your personality across in your posts.

Gaining Followers/Readers

This is probably one of my most asked questions surrounding starting a blog; how do you grow it, and gain followers? The long and short answer is I have no idea how I have managed to get so many of you angels reading my shit and following me, but you do and I’m grateful for it. Hard work, dedication, posting regularly, being yourself, and being original is pretty much my advice. Be creative and work at it, and people will want to read it.

Connect with other bloggers by following them and engaging with their content, as hopefully they will engage back and it may result in some of their followers discovering you too.

Tag any brands you’re writing about in your posts too, as sometimes they share them, or repost your Instagram pictures, which can help you gain followers.

Making Money

If you’re starting a blog to make money, quit while you’re ahead, honestly. When I started, I had no clue you could make a penny from blogging. I started because I loved writing and wanted a space on the internet to write, and share it with people.

I am very, very grateful that I have managed to turn my blog into a small income, and I feel nothing but happiness for that everyday. I never intended to make money from it.

The reason I say to not bother if you’re only in it to make money, is because people can see through that. People can tell if you’re just in it for the £££ and nothing else, and it makes you unrelatable, unobtainable and just not fun to follow. If I stopped making money from my blog today, I’d still carry on blogging, because I love it. I love writing about how to get over a break up, how to realise your self worth, about good restaurants, what blusher is best for pale skin; I love every single aspect of it and I never began blogging to make a penny. I have been so lucky to gain an amazing audience in all of you, which means that brands want to work with me from time to time, and as of 2021 I will be doing freelance writing for magazines.

Working with Brands

If you do want to make money from it eventually, then you can contact likeminded brands, e.g. if you’re a fashion blogger, you can get in touch with clothing brands about working together. I will say, though, from a brand perspective, they will usually only start paying when your following reaches a certain level. I am not saying that you don’t deserve to be paid for your work if you have a smaller audience, because you do, but brands work on a return on investment basis and if they think they will get a return on their money and then some by working with you.

Freebies

Just like making money, I didn’t know you could get anything for free when I started; after 6 months, I got sent my first ever freebie; an apple face mask, and I remember being so excited I was jumping up and down in my bedroom. I couldn’t believe anyone would ever want to send me something for free, it was just bizarre to me.

After nearly a year I am very lucky to get freebies. I do not take this for granted, ever ever ever.

Again, if you’re just after freebies, don’t start blogging; you need to be writing about things you love, and not care about whether or not you’re getting sent a free lipstick! It’s wonderful, don’t get me wrong of course it is, but I write because I love it, not for free stuff!

Like the brand collaborations for money, you can of course contact brands about reviewing their products on your blog. Email introducing yourself and blog, share your statistics and demographic, and outline what kind of collaboration you’re after. Don’t be downhearted if you don’t get a response, it’s totally normal, as brands get a hell of a lot of requests!

Love What You Do

Write about what you love, because you love it. Don’t focus on numbers, or what people think; blogging has been such a creative and emotional outlet for me and I thank my lucky stars every day that I created this blog; it’s changed my life, and it’s helped me through some really hard times.

I really hope this has spurred on any of you considering starting a blog, and feel free to message any questions I’ve missed!

Speak soon.

Peace, Love and Gin Xoxoxo

One Thing You Are Most Proud Of Yourself, From This Shitty Year?

So I recently made a question on my Instagram story “ONE THING YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF YOURSELF, FROM THIS SHITTY YEAR?” and asked my followers to write back with what they are proud of. I thought I would turn this into a blog post so we can look back at others achievements.

“Promotion and new house”

“Buying a house and new job at Hinkley”

“Met the best girl ever”

“Moved out and new job”

“Going to be a nan for the first time this year”

“Starting college and passing my course”

“Watching my son grow and starting FM to earn some extra cash for Christmas”

“Becoming a mummy to my beautiful girl”

“Getting my own little photography venture”

“Leaving a toxic relationship”

“Had my little girl”

“Pushing through losing my dad”

“My Son”

“Started saving and improving my credit score further”

“Becoming a better version of myself”

“Saving Money”

What am I most proud of? My family, partner, friends and myself surviving 2020 and being healthy. What are you most proud of? let me know, I would love to hear.

Peace, Love and Gin Xoxox

the battle with contraceptives

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re all doing well today.

So, today I’m doing a blog that’s a little bit different – I’m talking about contraception, and more specifically, the pill Rigevidon and the implant. I thought I would do this post because I know that 99% of my readers are female, and a lot of you are either on the pill or implant, or looking to go on contraception.

What is Rigevidon?

It’s a combined, oral contraceptive pill. There’s 21 pills in each pack, and you take one every day for 21 days and then have a 7 day break which is when you get your period. It contains 2 types of female sex hormones, an oestrogen called ethinylestradiol and a progesterone called levonorgestrel.

It works by stopping your ovaries releasing an egg each month, it also thickens the fluid in your cervix meaning it’s more difficult for sperm to reach the egg, and it also alters the lining of the womb meaning that it’s less likely to accept a fertilised egg.

Are there any side effects?

Any medication or fake hormones you put into your body has possible side effects. The potential side effects of Rigevidon are aching boobs, irregular bleeding, feeling sick (nausea), gaining weight and headaches. There is also a risk of acne and changes in sexdrive, and also depression.

What side effects have I experienced?

I suffered from severe depression and occasional headaches. My skin suffered from major break outs and I gained weight (which I needed to)

What are the serious risks?

Breast cancer has been recorded slightly more in women who take the contraceptive pill, as has blood clots.

Would I recommend it?

Of course, everyone’s body is different and will react different, I’d recommend researching before deciding what pill to take or what contraceptive.

What Contraceptive am I on?

I am not on Regividon, I use to take the pill called YASMIN however it had been giving me severe distress and anxiety. I currently only take the YASMIN pill fortnightly, this is done at my own risk but I am undergoing PTSD and CBT Therapy and trying to get back into the swing of taking the pill regularly. I do not want little Sophs running around just yet.

Okay… now what about the Implant?

My friend had it and loved it; you have it changed once every 3 years and don’t have to think about it at all. When it’s first put in, you get light bruising and a sore arm but that’s a small price to pay for only having to think about something every 3 years. This is a very difficult piece for me to write because it’s extremely personal to my closest friend and not the sort of thing I usually write – but ( We both felt ) We needed to share it, to educate people and also because I’ve never experienced the implant so I can’t write from that point of view.

“Within the first week, I had changed completely. I was verging on suicidal, having the darkest thoughts I had ever had in my life. I cried every single day, and the smallest thing made me fly off the handle and leave me in tears for hours.

About 2 weeks later, I felt better.
I thought my previous feelings had just been my body getting used to the implant and the new hormones being pumped continuously into my body. I was wrong.

This was the start of me becoming a monster. Anything was permissible for me to start an argument. I became excessively paranoid and anxious over everything, disgracefully jealous and a toxic person to be around. One minute I was on top of the world and feeling positive about everything and the next, I thought there was no point in being alive.

I went looking for arguments, just to release a small percentage of the anger and emotion pent up inside of me. Sometimes I would just be sitting at home and cry for absolutely no reason at all; ridiculous and unreasonable thoughts took over my brain and I began to believe they were true.

At first, I refused to believe it could be the cause of the implant. But then I realised who I was before I had it, and I was a shadow of my former self. I had morphed into a completely different person. I was still me, but my true personality had been masked by a vicious and argumentative person.

I feel the most sorry for my family, friends and boyfriend throughout all of this. They, especially my boyfriend, bore the brunt of my constant outbursts, searches for arguments and emotional tantrums.

But I couldn’t help it. I felt like my body had been taken over by some dark exterior force. I didn’t recognise myself and my behavior was absolutely out of control. I would tell myself that I was going to keep it at bay, that tomorrow was going to be different but it never was”

This isn’t a blog to say that the implant and pill are the worst thing in the world and no one should ever have it. I experienced the same reaction my friend did when I was on the pill, many other women have experienced the same, just as they have to other types of contraception.

It’s all dependent on your body’s make up and how you react to it. Each person is different, and I’m sure a lot of women love either the pill or the implant. But the pill isn’t for me, and I’ve had to learn to accept that.

I hope this has been helpful, and that if any of you reading this have gone through or are going through what me and my bestie have.. you aren’t alone and I completely understand what you’re going through.

I know what it’s like to have gone through this and I vividly remember what I felt like at my lowest point. Please, if you are having any worrying thoughts, speak to a loved one, and if you can’t, contact the Samaritans by either emailing them or calling them on 116123 , so they can be a fresh ear to listen to your problems and help you overcome the feelings you’re experiencing.

All my love, Peace, Love and Gin xox

So What Is An Eating Disorder..

You hear about eating disorders being linked to social media and the skinny size 0 girls, that society deem as perfect. These definitely may have an effect, especially on young people growing up; but they aren’t the sole reason. So what is an eating disorder? In the definition of a professional, it is ‘Any of a range of psychological disorders characterised by abnormal or disturbed eating habits’. In my words as a survivor it was each day consisting of numbers (calories, weight, fat content), it was being so scared of the orders in my head and wanting to be skinny so bad that i almost killed myself trying, it was never seeing my body for what it was even when I was at deaths door and it was pure hell of loosing myself. I was obsessed with loosing weight because I had a distorted body image and despite being at a unhealthy weight I couldn’t see my body through the eyes of everyone else, I saw it through the eyes of anorexia. I continuously was restricting calories, burning off more calories than I consumed, my whole entire day was based around calories and how much ‘fat’ i was burning and potentially gaining. If my day wasn’t consistent of calories, it was the number on the scale or looking into pro-ana websites. It was being so scared of the voice of anorexia while also feeling so comforted by it as it shouted orders at me of what I needed to do next. 

Anyone can develop an eating disorder. It doesn’t have a type for choosing its next victim. Anyone can develop one regardless of gender, age, race, social class or religion. There are many factors that could trigger or lead to one but sometimes there are none. Triggering factors range from traumatic events/experiences ( This was the main factor that doctors believed caused mine), there are biological factors such as irregular hormone functions or nutritional deficiencies, psychological factors e.g. poor self esteem, negative body image or environmental factors such as dysfunctional family dynamic, work or hobbies that promote weight loss and unhealthy eating or bullying and control loss over something.  Eating disorders are not limited to anorexia nor is it just people who are severely underweight who are sufferers. There are other eating disorders such as bulimia, binge eating disorder, pica, EDNOS/ OSFED. While having one may affect your physical health, it is a mental illness.

I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia nervosa when I was 14. My eating disorder wasnt solely about losing weight and changing my body it was so much more, believing I didn’t deserve to eat, enjoying the hunger pans because ‘I deserved that pain’, the belief that when I finally did eat it couldn’t stay in so I’d exercise for hours or make myself sick. I wanted to see the bone. It started as losing weight because I believed I’d be happy when I was skinnier as this is what my head convinced me, I also suffered with body dysmorphia too which meant I saw nothing but being too fat. I started believing “me being fat” was why bad things happened.  As my eating disorder progressed I began enjoying the pain of the hunger pangs and it was an additional self destructive strategy. My eating was something I could control. At least at first I could control it, but I ended up so deep in my disorder that I lost all control and it was now controlling me. 

The problem with an eating disorder is you become so consumed by the thoughts and orders it gives and it takes control of you. Your led to believe it’s you and it vs the world when really it’s you and it vs yourself. I lost touch with reality and I believed the thoughts and the voice of the eating disorder. I refused to accept I was ever unwell, I refused to believe that what I saw in the mirror wasn’t the same body others saw. I refused to listen to the professionals and everyone around me. I just didn’t see my illness unravelling rapidly. 

I had been seeing CAMHS (Child and adolescent mental health services) for other problems, but suddenly the focus went to my eating as my physical health started deteriorating. My team and family were concerned and nothing they did or said got through to me. A lot of people didn’t understand, I had many people say “Please JUST eat”. What they didn’t realise is by this point I couldn’t, I felt sick at the thought of food and I just couldn’t deal with the volume of my head intensifying after eating, I couldn’t deal with the guilt and shame that I felt on top of everything else after each meal. The extent of my eating disorder wasn’t apparent until I did start to lose weight quickly and it took its toll on my physical dosed. You don’t one day wake up and think I’m not going to eat anything, it spirals over a period of time. For me it was worsening over a year, starting slowly with restricting calories and skipping meals, to eventually eating nothing at all for weeks. I’d go to school and lie about eating and come home and find excuses to not eat or disguise food and exercise excessively.  I tried so hard to find peace and fight off the feelings and thoughts by burning calories and eating less. What I realise now is I was never content, regardless of how much exercise I did, how little I ate, how many meals I skipped; that voice in my head always screamed at me to go further. Nothing will ever please your eating disorder. I mean you’ll get the feeling of success when you skip a meal, when you feel empty but this isn’t you feeling success, it’s your eating disorder happy it’s got you under its spell. The happiness is temporary until the devil side of your eating disorder strikes and your faced with even more negative criticism from it.

My recovery started when I faced an admission after becoming very unwell physically, despite putting up a hard fight. I was sectioned under the mental health act as I refused to accept treatment but was too unwell physically and mentally to be be seen as having capacity to make this choice. Why did I refuse?Because I didn’t believe I was unwell, I didn’t want hospital to force me to live and eat how they said. I believed they were against me. I believed I was okay. But I was so far from okay,  I see this looking back. I was severely unwell and not just mentally anymore but physically too! They had the section in place and I was now forced to stay in hospital against my will, I was forced to eat, I was forced to have treatment. I was now more scared  of eating and weight gain than of dying. In hospital I was told I would die if I didn’t receive nutrients in the next few days. I was continuously told the dangerously low levels my blood test showed. I was told my organs were slowly weakening and starting to struggle and I had to be on a permanent heart monitor as my heart was starting to become weak; but despite all this medical evidence, I still couldn’t see just how unwell I was.  I wouldn’t have even cared. I was too busy believing it was lies and that I had to listen to my head as that’s the only voice I could trust. I couldn’t see the weight that had fallen off me, I couldn’t see myself as the walking corpse I was. I was tired and I was weak, but my head was screaming how I still had to continue to lose weight.  A bag of bones, too weak to stand at times but I still continued fighting against anyone that tried saving or feeding me. I tried fighting against the hospital staff. I pushed my family away because they made it harder. I had my family members begging me to eat or just allow them to feed me without a struggle. For months I had no contact with the outside world and I didn’t care. At that moment I didn’t care that I was hurting my loved ones. I didn’t care that my family begged me to eat. I didn’t care that I was missing school and my life. For me I had gone my whole life thinking about everyone else and for the first time I had become selfish. My illness changed me. I believed it was me and anorexia against the world because the only way forward was to do as it said and loose weight. I didn’t care about hurting my body, in fact I was gloating at each hunger pan I felt, each bone I felt, each meal I skipped. Pleasing anorexia was all I thought of. But I never could and never would because it would never pleased. I spent 4 weeks on a children’s ward at my local hospital, I was forced to bed rest, continuous feeds, physical health checks, I was watched on 1:1 to make sure I didn’t go to the bathroom or didn’t hurt myself, I had medication forced down me. It was a very confusing, lonely and challenging time for me. I put my walls up so high to everyone.

I started to see reality clearer and I began to make small steps to normality, for example attending therapy and following meal plans. It then took a few years and many relapses to fully recover from anorexia (As fully as it goes). It remained in the back of my mind for a while and whenever I struggled with my mental health, it was the first warning sign for me because it crept back up. I saw signs reappear but I was able to challenge them and not let them control me how they did before. Now I can honestly say, having my control taken from hospital staff and professionals, was 100% better than anorexia taking it. At the time I’d of argued this till I was blue in the face, but now I have my life and I am healthy because they took that control and held it until I was able to take the control back healthily. Health and wealth is by far better than being unhappy just to see the bones. 

My eating disordered triggered my anxiety. I feared putting on weight more than dying. Food petrified me and I became so sly and secretive which was things I’d never been. I hid food, I’d chew food and spit it out because I couldn’t physically swallow it and I’d exercise or purge secretly in my room behind my mums back. I totally lost myself with this illness, in a way I didn’t with any other.

If I could go back and tell that 14-year-old girl to get help and not carry on with such dangerous behaviors, I would. But I can’t so I hope by telling you, whether your deep in it or about to become deep in it that it is not worth it and that it is not the way to go forward, even it right now you cannot see what I can and have witnessed. You may know someone who is suffering from an eating disorder, you may suspect someone is or you may be suffering from one yourself; but it is nothing that you cannot overcome, beat and recover from. That’s not to say it’s easy, a quick fix or pleasant but it is worth it and certainly is possible.. That’s a promise. There is help out there, from friends, family, carers, your GP, services such as mind, CAMHS, counselling services or charities such as beat. I know denial may kick in.

If you’re supporting someone with an eating disorder, don’t underestimate the struggle they are facing. They don’t mean to push you away, they don’t mean to fight against you. I know it’s hard to understand and they make helping them harder than anything but that isn’t them, it’s their illness. It’s hard for you supporting them but it’s hell for them living through it. 


If you’re suffering from an eating disorder, it gets better. One day you’ll look back and smile with how far you’ve come. Your eating disorder isn’t your friend. It isn’t a safety blanket for struggles you need to heal from. It’s a life threatening disorder and I know you may refuse to see the damage it can cause but from a survivor it will. It’s not going to be easy or straight forward. You will get tired and feel like giving in, but even on your darkest days keep going. People around you may not understand but they want to help, no matter what your head tells you. It’s not your fault you developed an eating disorder and it was out of your control but you have to fight and you have to use everything and everyone you have to overcome it.
You can do this

Heels And Boobs

I have a job in a nightclub working behind the bar serving customers drinks and bringing out booth packages. I use to be in charge of VIP booths serving arrogant men who thought they were strucking gold upon me by tipping me £20 after 4 hours of leering and making a mess, and occasionally me marching over with a bucket of ice with overprized vodka, with sparklers, and of course I do wear massive heels.

Those can be some of the most traumatic nights, and not because of the gross men; because of the pain I would be in! My feet actually used to bleed, and I’d get home at about 4am with blisters the size of Mars, and swollen feet. I’d hobble to the toilet during my shift and just sit down and take my shoes off, I’m not even joking.

Anyway back to topic, Just a tip for you ladies who love wearing heels this will save your lives! You need to invest in some Gel cushions if you haven’t already, that you can pop under the balls of your feet to bring you a tonne more comfort than wearing heels without anything, and they honestly do work, and they’re so cheap too. If you get painful feet on a night out, or have to wear heels for work, you need these in your life – they have a sticky side too so they won’t slip out.

Now Boobs and Bras….

Basically I’m not a very big person in general (aside from in the bum department, that area doesn’t seem to have an issue in growing!), I’ve always been quite small in height and frame, my build is just generally petite, meaning that I’ve never had big boobs.

Big boobs, small boobs, and every size in between are all beautiful and all sexy and no one should ever tell you differently. I think there are probably a lot of fellow small chested girls out there who feel like they can’t invest in gorgeous, pretty and lovely bras simply because they don’t see the point but I’m here to tell you that you can and you should. So here are the best designed bras for small boobs.

A bra with no padding whatsoever which you may think is a strange choice for a small chest but actually, once you embrace having small boobs you will realise that thin bras with no padding and delicate detailing are actually one of the best choices. They extenuate what you do have and they look gorgeous on. They may not be the best type of bras for a white t shirt but a loose blouse, or just for the bedroom, this is a perfect bra.

Feminine colours and patterns are always complimentary to small boobs especially with a tan; who said pale pink couldn’t be sexy?! The darker pink lace edging frames your boobs and makes them look rounder and more shapely.

The fitted cups and balcony style will hold your boobs better and make the most out of their size. It has a very thin piece of padding but that’s all that is needed; when you have small boobs you tend to think you need a massively padded bra but all that will do is drown your boobs, gape forward at the front and ride up around your chest.

Black is also a really great colour for making it look like you’ve got a little more than you have, and a bow detail in the middle makes the cups and therefore your boobs, stand out more!

A bralet style compliments a small chest SO well, This is so perfect for smaller busted ladies and the moulded cups mean again, they make the most out of what you’ve got.

So there we have it a post on how to handle wearing high heels and what bras will look cute.

Peace, Love and Gin Xo

Fun Facts About Titanic

Thought I would do something a little different for a post. Titanic is one of my favourite all time films, Taking a look at the making of Titanic behind the scenes, I have discovered a few fun facts and perhaps the reason why our love for the movie will go on and oooooooooon.

  • Kate, in good form, decided to break the tension before it had a chance to arise by flashing her ample assets at her Hollywood superstar opposite. This immediately gave the pair fun and dynamic relationship to work with, and all the steamiest scenes in the movie benefited because of it.
  • Despite being present for the nude drawing scenes, Leo was not the artist who sketched the infamous picture. James Cameron the film director drew  Kate “like one of his French girls”.
  • You don’t get to be as successful as James Cameron without enforcing a few ridiculous on set rules. In the big pool used to recreate the water scenes, Cameron invoked a rule that made Titanic behind the scenes a little unhygienic. He wouldn’t allow loo breaks in order to keep actors in their character and to retain the mood and atmosphere whilst filming the movies most powerful scenes. This meant people would spend hours in the giant pool, swimming in a delightful mixture of water and their own urine.
  • It comes as no surprise, but the freezing water scenes were filmed in freezing temperatures, to get the proper effect. After spending hours in such conditions, poor Kate developed pneumonia.
  • Turns out that Kate was not the first choice for the role of Rose. In fact, she practically had to beg Cameron for the part, calling and writing to him almost daily. Others in the running included Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Aniston.
  • Since the infamous boob flash, Kate and Leo formed a fantastic friendship that has grown and thrived until the present day. Whilst making Titanic behind the scenes there was a strong bond formed, with lots of practical joking along the way.
  • Those who worked Titanic behind the scenes were rumoured to be a lot of fun but, on one occasion some cast and crew members took a funny turn after lunch. Some were giggling in fits of hysterics, others were spaced out and a few were struck with bouts of dizziness and vomiting, even Cameron. Turns out some prankster had spiked the lobster chowder with PCP, but the culprit was never found.

So there we have it a few interesting fun facts about Titanic.

Welcome To My Anxiety…..

On other days, I think I have anxiety. 

Then there are the days when I don’t have anxiety at all. Nothing is wrong. Nothing happens. Absolutely everything is fine. 

Today … well, it’s one of those days where I KNOW I have anxiety. So, I decided to talk about it. People don’t talk about it enough. I don’t talk about it enough. 

My phone is a constant source of anxiety. I have a weird relationship with it. It goes off all the time, mostly group chats or dumb notifications because the people I know — actually know — don’t pick up the phone to talk to me that often. And if they do contact me, it’s usually because something is wrong. If I’m having a good day and anxiety isn’t making me feel like something bad is going to happen constantly, picking up the phone and responding to notifications is no big deal. I can respond to Twitter notifications. I can post something on Instagram. I can do any-fucking-thing. 

But then there are the bad days, and those fuckers can L-A-S-T. There have been times I’ve needed to clear over three thousand emails from my inbox, a result of not reading or responding to a single one for months. I can leave Twitter until it has hundreds of notifications, and Facebook too. I can avoid Instagram, I can leave everyone on read, sometimes months, not wanting to be reminded of just how great everyone else’s life is. I am always criticised for what I write, what I post and what I do… you have your opinion I have mine, I don’t ask you to read my shit, I don’t ask you to comment, you know where the block and delete button is my friends …

I just have a problem with people on bad anxiety days — the days I know I have anxiety. I can’t bring myself to muster up whatever strength it takes to act like I’m okay when inside I’m not feeling okay at all. And when I try, I fuck it up. I say the wrong thing, or I just don’t say anything at all, or I don’t say the right things. I forget to do the polite stuff, like say hello. I don’t remember to ask how they are. I forget the important things in their lives. I’m a terrible friend. It’s no wonder people don’t reach for the phone to ask if I’m okay. It’s a vicious cycle. Even if they were to text or call me I probably wouldn’t respond.

SEE … I’M A TERRIBLE FRIEND. 

The thing is, I’m not a terrible friend. I’m a really good one. I’d give my friends my last fiver if they needed it. My doors would always be open to them, as would my sofa. I’d have tea on tap for them, and all the cookies and biscuits they could possibly want.

Having anxiety feels like I’ve been replaced by a version that’s only half of me. I’ve only got half the conversational skills, half the attention span, half the politeness-capacity. I forget quickly and say offensive things by accident, and sometimes, I don’t know what to say so I just say nothing at all. Every single conversation is exhausting, and proofreading every email/text message/DM a hundred times before I send it takes up what feels like most of my day. It’s for the same reason that I don’t publish blog posts as frequently as I’d like. Or share all the tweets I type out. It all feels not quite ready. Unfinished. With room for improvement. 

Everything seems to annoy me too. Literally … everything. I’m too easily offended or embarrassed, or I get the wrong end of the stick. And then, when I get the RIGHT end of the stick and the other person has actually been offensive or stepped out of line, I question my reasoning for being offended. Was what they said really that bad? Did they mean it that way? Do I really have a right to be upset about this? 

Do I *really* have anxiety and can’t cope with friends/people/anyone on bad days … or am I just a shit person? A shit friend? Can I just snap myself out of it? Should I try? Do I really need to explain myself at all? 

WELCOME TO MY ANXIETY.