the battle with contraceptives

Hi everyone!

I hope you’re all doing well today.

So, today I’m doing a blog that’s a little bit different – I’m talking about contraception, and more specifically, the pill Rigevidon and the implant. I thought I would do this post because I know that 99% of my readers are female, and a lot of you are either on the pill or implant, or looking to go on contraception.

What is Rigevidon?

It’s a combined, oral contraceptive pill. There’s 21 pills in each pack, and you take one every day for 21 days and then have a 7 day break which is when you get your period. It contains 2 types of female sex hormones, an oestrogen called ethinylestradiol and a progesterone called levonorgestrel.

It works by stopping your ovaries releasing an egg each month, it also thickens the fluid in your cervix meaning it’s more difficult for sperm to reach the egg, and it also alters the lining of the womb meaning that it’s less likely to accept a fertilised egg.

Are there any side effects?

Any medication or fake hormones you put into your body has possible side effects. The potential side effects of Rigevidon are aching boobs, irregular bleeding, feeling sick (nausea), gaining weight and headaches. There is also a risk of acne and changes in sexdrive, and also depression.

What side effects have I experienced?

I suffered from severe depression and occasional headaches. My skin suffered from major break outs and I gained weight (which I needed to)

What are the serious risks?

Breast cancer has been recorded slightly more in women who take the contraceptive pill, as has blood clots.

Would I recommend it?

Of course, everyone’s body is different and will react different, I’d recommend researching before deciding what pill to take or what contraceptive.

What Contraceptive am I on?

I am not on Regividon, I use to take the pill called YASMIN however it had been giving me severe distress and anxiety. I currently only take the YASMIN pill fortnightly, this is done at my own risk but I am undergoing PTSD and CBT Therapy and trying to get back into the swing of taking the pill regularly. I do not want little Sophs running around just yet.

Okay… now what about the Implant?

My friend had it and loved it; you have it changed once every 3 years and don’t have to think about it at all. When it’s first put in, you get light bruising and a sore arm but that’s a small price to pay for only having to think about something every 3 years. This is a very difficult piece for me to write because it’s extremely personal to my closest friend and not the sort of thing I usually write – but ( We both felt ) We needed to share it, to educate people and also because I’ve never experienced the implant so I can’t write from that point of view.

“Within the first week, I had changed completely. I was verging on suicidal, having the darkest thoughts I had ever had in my life. I cried every single day, and the smallest thing made me fly off the handle and leave me in tears for hours.

About 2 weeks later, I felt better.
I thought my previous feelings had just been my body getting used to the implant and the new hormones being pumped continuously into my body. I was wrong.

This was the start of me becoming a monster. Anything was permissible for me to start an argument. I became excessively paranoid and anxious over everything, disgracefully jealous and a toxic person to be around. One minute I was on top of the world and feeling positive about everything and the next, I thought there was no point in being alive.

I went looking for arguments, just to release a small percentage of the anger and emotion pent up inside of me. Sometimes I would just be sitting at home and cry for absolutely no reason at all; ridiculous and unreasonable thoughts took over my brain and I began to believe they were true.

At first, I refused to believe it could be the cause of the implant. But then I realised who I was before I had it, and I was a shadow of my former self. I had morphed into a completely different person. I was still me, but my true personality had been masked by a vicious and argumentative person.

I feel the most sorry for my family, friends and boyfriend throughout all of this. They, especially my boyfriend, bore the brunt of my constant outbursts, searches for arguments and emotional tantrums.

But I couldn’t help it. I felt like my body had been taken over by some dark exterior force. I didn’t recognise myself and my behavior was absolutely out of control. I would tell myself that I was going to keep it at bay, that tomorrow was going to be different but it never was”

This isn’t a blog to say that the implant and pill are the worst thing in the world and no one should ever have it. I experienced the same reaction my friend did when I was on the pill, many other women have experienced the same, just as they have to other types of contraception.

It’s all dependent on your body’s make up and how you react to it. Each person is different, and I’m sure a lot of women love either the pill or the implant. But the pill isn’t for me, and I’ve had to learn to accept that.

I hope this has been helpful, and that if any of you reading this have gone through or are going through what me and my bestie have.. you aren’t alone and I completely understand what you’re going through.

I know what it’s like to have gone through this and I vividly remember what I felt like at my lowest point. Please, if you are having any worrying thoughts, speak to a loved one, and if you can’t, contact the Samaritans by either emailing them or calling them on 116123 , so they can be a fresh ear to listen to your problems and help you overcome the feelings you’re experiencing.

All my love, Peace, Love and Gin xox

To the girl who doesn’t believe she deserves love…

You do!

Hey it’s me again, just thought I would give you the low down on what is happening in my life currently…. I have recently started a new job as a Student Support Liaison and also studying a degree in Business Management. I am also looking at taking a course in Journalism at college. Yes the goal is to manage a company and write articles in magazines… The dream. I am just an A* English Student who had Tumblr for way too longer, trying to make it in life.

Okay so the love life.. Fuck me, I don’t even know where to start. The craziest love story… Head over heels for this guy. It has been nearly a year and it’s really not that relationship where we are with each other 24/7. I have never got bored of this guy, He keeps me on my toes, we have our own lives and try and do date night once/twice a week. He makes my vagina skip , he gives me butterflies, he is just dreamy. I have found someone who I want to travel with, try new foods and play pranks on. He is different and we like different. Okay now back to topic….

To the girl who thinks she doesn’t deserve love,

I know you can’t keep a count of how many nights you have stayed up waiting for texts or calls, or both. Just let it pass… Trust me.

Go watch a movie, instead. Do your self care routines, Don’t believe in love until you’ve someone who says that you look beautiful even though you hate yourself. Wait for someone who’d write you letters just like that. FYI the guy I am with compliments me everyday and I have never had that.

Wait for someone who’d call you just because he is missing your voice. Eventually, you will cross paths with someone like that. At that moment, do not let him go.

Hold him close and let go of the clutches of your past. It barely matters if you think you don’t deserve love, because guess what, he knows that you do – and you deserve all the love there is in the universe. You have got this baby girl, I believe in you so believe in yourself.

You have a habit of giving up on people, don’t do that with him. Sing songs, even though you can’t. And he will join you midway. It’s always better to have some music in the background and it will bring out the silly side of you both making you feel comfortable.

Love will come and hit you out of nowhere. and when this happens, love starts living in your head rent-free. every small thing reminds you of them. the roses growing near your window sill are the exact shade of the t-shirt they wore yesterday, your favourite song sounds like it was made just for you two and apparently, both of you like coffee the same way.  The way their eyes crinkle when they laugh, or even how they turn the pages of a book, nothing they do is ever short of a masterpiece. when you’re with them, you’re simply standing in an art gallery, in awe of everything around you. and in those moments, you don’t dream of riches or fancy castles, all you want is the two of you, together, forever. 

Once you fall in love, you want to keep loving them, till that’s all that’s left around you. it’s crazy, but aren’t all the best things like that?

All you have to do is to wait. Never think you don’t deserve happiness, okay? And just one last thing – happiness is not synonymous for love. You will find love, someday. Believe.

Boundaries in relationships

Healthy boundaries in relationships are highly recommended and are an essential part of effective communication in couples.

Healthy boundaries allow a person to assert and maintain their sense of self while also engaging at an intimate level with the other. Unhealthy boundaries on the other hand can feel invasive, can be damaging to the self-esteem, can give rise to feelings like resentment and anger.

Examples of boundaries in relationships

Some examples of healthy boundaries:

  • Having friendships outside the relationship
  • Who pays what bills
  • Agreeing the kind of sex life you want
  • Having “Me time”
  • The right to privacy
  • Don’t bring up past relationships – The past is in the past

Some examples of unhealthy boundaries:

  • Inability to give space
  • Not being able to share your thoughts and opinions
  • Not taking responsibility for your needs
  • Causing arguments for the sake of it

People lack boundaries because they have a high level of neediness (or in psych terms, codependence). People who are needy or codependent have a desperate need for love and affection from others. To receive this love and affection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries.

Boundaries play an important role in telling someone how you want to be treated in a relationship and prevent you from getting used. This is why communication of what you want needs to be clear. Whether explicit or implicit, boundaries should be clear between partners.

For a healthier and happier relationship follow these simple steps:

  1. Know yourself
  2. Take responsibility for your needs and have some time
  3. Don’t spend every day with each other – It is not healthy
  4. See YOUR friends
  5. Communicate
  6. Listen and respect each other

WHAT IS LOVE?

It’s buying me a coffee and a blueberry muffin with the last few quid you have in your pocket just because you know I’ll really appreciate it for breakfast. It’s buying you the new playstation 5 even though it’s ridiculously expensive and totally out of my price range, just because I know you’ll tell me it’s the best gift you’ve ever received. It’s putting the kettle on every time I get that text that says, “Honey, I’m on my way home” 

It’s making a roast dinner with all the trimmings but having it with chicken dippers rather than an actual roast chicken because you forgot the main ingredient for our Sunday feast. It’s laughing it all off as though it doesn’t matter, rolling around in hysterics so much that you can’t stop the pee trickling down your leg.

It’s snuggling up together in bed, pulling the duvet and blankets in close, desperately sheltering each other from the freezing cold temperatures. It’s watching endless shows on Netflix even though we’re bored of them, making the most of a bad situation during a pandemic.

It’s making you feel loved even when you think the rest of the world is against you. It’s making you feel special when you don’t think you’re special in the slightest, and when you think you don’t deserve the special treatment. It’s smiling at you other across a crowded restaurant and instantly knowing what you’re thinking, just from a look. It’s being able to sit in your hoodie, barely moving from the bed. It’s all the cups of tea that aren’t asked for, and all the ones that are.

It’s sharing everything I have with you, everything I feel with you, and making sure you know that you can share everything with me too. The farts, the smelly armpits, the weird spots that we seem to find ourselves with, in really unsavoury places. It’s performing open-butt surgery at three in the morning, using an ice cube as the anaesthetic and a sewing needle as a surgical instrument.

It’s being there every time you feel scared. Every time I need to go to the doctor. Every time you forget something. Every time I can’t face a bumblebee.

What is love?

Love is all of those things. Relationships and life are journey, do not force it.

Go out, have fun and do not be terrified, just be you. You cannot put a time on Love, Just have fun.

The hard days are what makes us stronger, keep your eyes on the stars and feet on the ground.

❤️

Tips On Giving A Good Blow Job.

So as you all enjoyed my piece on giving your girlfriend the best head, I though I would try this…. Tips on giving a good blow job. I had some very interesting and positive feedback, I thought you guys would love this! Plus I’m one of those girls – you can talk to about most things.

I decided to write my tips of the trade down. You may even learn a trick or two! 

Here are my 5 tips on giving better blow jobs:

1 – PLENTY OF LUBRICATION 

One trick I have learned is that deep-throating the beautiful cock will often produce a certain amount of saliva in your mouth – the perfect trick for when you are starting to run dry. You do need to learn to control your gag reflex, of course, but once you’ve got that mastered, everything else will be a breeze. Once you’ve got plenty of juices flowing in your own mouth, let rip. Be sloppy. I haven’t met a guy yet that doesn’t like a sloppy blowjob. I’m not talking bad sloppy; I’m talking well-lubricated.

2 – MAKE SOME NOISE

The good thing to come from all of that extra lubrication is the noise-factor. “There is nothing more satisfying than the sound of a woman slurping on your dick.” This was a statement actually said to me by another male friend, and no; I’ve not sexually molested that one.

Noise doesn’t need to come from the slurping alone. Make gag noises when you duck further down onto his cock than you would like. It makes them feel like a real man – as though their dick is too big for you to handle. I don’t mean actually wretch and heave onto his manhood, but having the odd little gagging sound will go down a treat. When you combine this with a nice groan every once in a while, it sounds like you are getting into it just as much as they are.

Enthusiasm is key here, guys and girls. And remember guys, when you compliment her on the stuff she does well, she’ll do it again!  

5 Tips on Giving Better Blowjobs

3 – DON’T BE AFRAID TO LOOK RIGHT UP INTO HIS EYES

Now I’m not suggesting that you start pulling some freaky stalker-style staring with the third tip on giving better blowjobs, but when you are on your knees and your eyes are looking right at up him like a puppy, do you know what your man will see? The eyes of an angel performing the blowjob of all blowjobs. They like it. Nearly every man I’ve ever spoken to about this has said that not enough eye-contact is one of their biggest downers.

One thing I have learned in all my years of giving head is that guys don’t like it when you stare at them for too long, so try fleeting glances. They are trying to concentrate in much the same way as most girls need to concentrate… Just imagine how uncomfortable you would feel if someone were staring up at you while they eat you out.

4 – DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE BALLS

These poor little dudes often get left out and honestly, playing with his little chaps will be doing YOU a favour if you are smart about it. You know when your arm starts to hurt, and your mouth starts to get lockjaw? Rather than stopping altogether, give yourself a break and start to play with the balls instead. He’ll probably appreciate the change of pace, and it will look as if you are putting a proper effort into things, paying particular attention to all the places everyone else usually leaves out. You don’t even need to play with them for very long – I usually find popping them in my mouth and spending a couple of minutes attention on them normally does the trick, and by that point, all my aches and pains will have gone away! 

5 – DON’T BE AFRAID TO GET RIGHT INTO IT

He’s not going to care whether or not you are pulling a weird face because your mouth has been stretched open by his massive, throbbing cock. Get involved – make some noise, use your hands as well as your mouth, let your tongue do some of the work and, above all else, look as if you are enjoying it. Play with yourself at the same time if you really want to take things that one step further, and you could even consider just sitting on his face. I tend to use this idea when I’m feeling pretty lazy. I can’t be expected to give his package the full attention when he is working me so beautifully from beneath, right?

Plus you’ll look and feel like a porn star! 

Those are the five things that I would recommend you work into your next blowjob. what’s the point in doing it if you aren’t going to get REALLY into it? If you’re not going to enjoy it, or at least pretend to, I personally guarantee that he’s not going to have all that much fun! And neither will you 45 minutes later when you’re starting to go stiff and he still hasn’t cum!

Intimacy, But Not Sex… But An Orgasm

So it’s been a while and so much has happened, I have recently got into a relationship with someone new… YES I know… I am shocked too. I have been so busy with work and odd little bits but I am back. ……….

So many women complain that so many men don’t know how to do it, so either I’ve been super lucky with the men I’ve chosen to let into my underwear or I have some sort of radar that ensures I only go to bed with men who have great oral skills. Because, let me tell you, I have had many, many orgasms from a good ol’ session of oral sex. I figured that would give me plenty of experience when it comes to conveying what I like.

When you give a girl head, it needs to be about the entire experience. You can’t just dive south, head for her cunt and hope everything works as you want it to. A womans body works pretty well because they know what to do with it, but not even I can muster up an orgasm when the captain of my ship doesn’t have the right technique.

At the same time, I don’t really need an actual technique. A steady, lapping rhythm will often get me there eventually, and so will small circles made with the tip of your tongue around my clit, but a combination of these, mixed in with some clever finger-action and a bit of experimentation, and you’ll turn things from orgasm to O-O-O-O-ORGASM! And isn’t that just what you want to do?

THIS IS HOW TO GIVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND THE BEST HEAD OF HER LIFE..

So you should start by kissing the neck. That’ll make goosebumps erupt across her body so you’ll feel her excitement as you run your fingers up and down the raised and bumpy skin on her arms. Whisper the naughty little things you want to do to her in her ear, and let your breath tickle the hairs on the back of her neck. And then, when it’s very evident what your intentions are, place your hand on the base of her back and lead her to the bedroom. It’s a dominant, yet gentle move, all in one.

When you get to the bedroom, undress her slowly. Kiss her as you do so, passionately, intensely, deeply. Take a moment to dip your head and twirl your tongue around the nipple you’ll playfully release from her bra. The right tweaks and touches will leave her wetter than you could ever imagine.

Position her where you want her on the bed, wherever it’s easy and comfortable for you, and kiss your way down her stomach as you take off whatever clothes she is still wearing. Admire her, look at her, take in what you have in front of you. Make her believe you’re hungry for it. Kiss and bite at her flesh and use your hands to grasp and grab handfuls of it on her hips and her thighs. Bite her hip bones, really bite them. Leave a mark. Be dominant. She will want to know that you’re desperate to devour her, every single little part of her, all of the womanly flesh.

The more impatient you make her, the quicker it’ll be for you to make her come — and the more toe-curling it’ll be for her. Glide your hands all over her body as you get close enough to her clit for her to feel your breath, but far enough away that she whimpers a little with desperate wanting. Reach up to play with her nipples, pinch them, twist them a little, be rougher than you like with them. She likes it .

TAKE YOUR TIME WHEN YOU FINALLY GET THERE.

Make her work for it. Tease her. Play with her. Kiss and bite at her stomach, nibble and lick at her thighs, caress around her labia. Her lips are far more sensitive than most people give them credit for, and a slightly painful tug can leave her gushing all over your hand. If you bite and suck on them before, during, and after she will come, and love you forever for it. Oh, and don’t forget the kissing. Kiss her everywhere. Kiss her more.

YOUR ACTUAL ORAL TECHNIQUE ITSELF ISN’T OVERLY IMPORTANT.

Getting that rhythm right might seem like a big deal, but it’s not. Not to her. Her body is fairly easy to read and interpret. Her moans and groans will let you know when you’re doing things right and hitting the perfect spot, and if she is not squirming or squiggling because of your capable hands and mouth, try something else — switch it up. That’s the trick: experiment, try different things, don’t stick to what you know. Think outside the box. She will want you to find all of those spots she really likes … and then some she is not aware of yet.

Sooo, Push your fingers inside her as you’re licking her, one finger to start with. Arch it up, heading towards the top of her pelvis from within, and stroke that little fleshy section. It’s like rubbing the Genie’s lamp; magic things will happen if you do. Do it at the same time as drawing circles around her clit with your tongue and you’ll make her come in no time at all. You can speed things up by playing with her nipples.

IF YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT, YOU’LL START TO NOTICE A CHANGE IN HER BREATHING.

She will get louder and more ragged as that oh-so-fabulous O gets closer. Her hands will start to grasp at the sheets, at your hair, at everything and anything within reach. Her hips will start to move, swaying and bucking, trying to match the motion of your relentless tongue.

Use your tongue and drag it up and down the entirety of her pussy. Lick her ass too, if you like that kind of thing.

Just play with her. I can’t express that enough. Just play with her. Play with all of her. Use your hands to explore, squeeze and grab her body. Feel free to let your mouth go wild. Leave little bite marks on the insides of her thighs from where you get a little too carried away and bruises from grasping too hard. She will want to know that you want her, that you really want her, that her pussy is the only thing you want to be eating.

WHEN YOU THINK SHE IS GETTING CLOSE, BE PREPARED TO HOLD ON TIGHT.

If you continue to use your fingers inside her, maybe even adding a second digit to the mix, you’ll probably make her gush as you keep lapping at her clit. You’ll know when it’s coming because her back will arch. All of a sudden, she won’t be able to breathe. Her legs will start to violently shake. You’ll feel a flooding in your mouth — a very positive sign that you have done a very good job. And she will not want you to stop.

The bucking motion of her hips will start to slow down and as this happens, she will want you to slowly and lightly lick her clean. All the mess you just made, I want you to clean it up, softly, deliberately, carefully.. You just did that to her: the leg shaking and the hand-grasping and everything else that comes with making her come, so you should be smiling.

You need to be careful, though — careful and gentle. She will be super sensitive afterward and too much pressure anywhere near her pussy, especially her clit, will drive her insane. It’ll become too much. Too sensitive. No longer enjoyable.

BUT THEN SHE WILL WANT YOU TO HOLD HER.

She will want you to wrap your big arms around her and hold her close. Right there, at that moment, she bared her heart and soul to you. You had everything she had to offer. You had her entire body in your hands, doing the most intimate thing you can do to her, and she let you have it, all of it – the big bang.

But that’s how you give your girl the best head of her life. I hope I’ve given you enough tricks and tips to blow your partner’s mind. Don’t forget to come back and let me know either way! 

Rules For A Successful Break Up

Right girls, you want to come out of this alive then you’re going to need to think smart. Unless you want to be THAT girl that is begging on her knees for her boyfriend not to leave her, you need to do things the classy way, the smart way, the right way. You need to learn the rules of a successful breakup, written by the queen of break ups.

Are you ready? Sitting comfortably? Got yourself a cup of a tea and a nice Bourbon biscuit? Tissues handy?

1 – FACEBOOK UNFRIEND.

This needs to be done almost immediately. Make your Facebook page private so he can only see the things that you ‘accidentally’ set to public. AKA the photos that make you look beautiful, funny, skinny, well-styled, etc. You don’t want him to see those tagged photos of you looking like a fish from Friday night when you were trying to perfect your pout for the paparazzi…

This will also stop you from checking to see if he is online every five minutes. Which you will. We all do. Plus you won’t see photos of him out with girls (unless he has everything set to public at which point you should just go for step two) and wondering which one of them he’s sleeping with. Which you will. And you’ll ask him too. And it’ll be embarrassing because he’s probably actually not doing half the things you’ve made up in your head. You look crazy again. Completely nuts.

2 – FACEBOOK BLOCK.

When you’ve un-friended him and realised that you still can’t stop checking out his profile hoping that he posts something, (he doesn’t actually have his page on private, everything is public) you need to do the Facebook block. You won’t be able to send him any facebook messages that you’ll regret later on. Such as my one “Oi, you awake?” at 2:51am after a particularly drunken night. Luckily it didn’t send as I had no signal. No love-you’s, miss-you’s or anything like that… Just “Oi, are you awake?

Who said romance was dead?

Don’t be a mug – just block him. Trust me. Plus, you can only block and unblock once every 24 hours or whatever it is, which will stop you doing it every five minutes just to have a look, and he’ll see that you’ve un-blocked him by the way that your name comes up in his message feed. Have all your bases covered ladies.

Think of EVERYTHING.

3 – DELETE HIS NUMBER.

You may have stopped Facebooking him but that hasn’t stopped you from checking to see if he is online on Whatsapp every five minutes. Or whether he’s seen your latest iMessage. Why is he online on Whatsapp? Why are there no blue ticks? You were the only person he ever spoke to on that! Why is he online all the time? Who is he talking to? Has he moved on already?! WHY ISN’T HE READING YOUR MESSAGES?! You turn into a crazy bitch when you’re going through a breakup. When you delete his number, you can’t drunk call him, text him, Whatsapp him, etc. Plus if he has his privacy settings right (which he probably won’t), you’ll only be able to see when he was last online if the two of you are contacts. Getting rid of his number altogether is the only way you’re going to get through this. You WILL make that drunken call you promised yourself you wouldn’t, and you ARE going to see red and say all the things you didn’t want to when you saw he was online again and still didn’t reply to your last message. Prick.

4 – DELETE OLD MESSAGES.

You’ve done the number removal but you can still contact him if you’ve kept those old messages. You can just reply to the same thread. Of course, this is assuming you don’t know his number off the top of your head. But who knows phone numbers these days? I certainly don’t.

5 – GET RID OF PHOTOGRAPHS.

Don’t destroy them because one day, you’ll want to look back and smile. You wont believe that now but you will. Put them in that same memory box that you’ll put out of sight and out of mind. Take them out of the frames and off the walls and hide them. They’ll only make you cry if you don’t.

The worst of it is you won’t even notice that you have photos of him on your wall until months later where they happen to pop up in the back of a photo you’re trying to send of yourself to a potential new bae. Be prepared for that.

6 – CRY.

Just do it already. Do it in the privacy of your own bedroom, snuggled up in your bed. Cry on your friends if they’ll let you. It’s not a bad thing to cry. I don’t think people cry enough. Sometimes you just need a cup of tea and a good cry. If you feel the tears, let them flow. Stop trying to pretend you’re stronger than you are. Breakups suck. It hurts. It’s all cool. Let the snot flow freely.

7 – START A JOURNAL.

After a couple of weeks, your friends are going to get really bored of you talking about your ex. They are going to get annoyed at new stories of him with that skinny blonde at the party, or that fiery looking redhead at the local store. You’re gonna wanna talk about that shit. You’re going to want to rant about it… For hours.

Start a journal or do what I did and start a blog! Get it out somewhere, down on paper or furiously tapped out on your laptop. You never know – you might just create the next best seller!

Seriously though – your friends are going to get really pissed off sooner or later, and you are going to want to talk about this a lot. Why is he talking to her? How could he move on so quickly? Who does he think he is wanting his concert t-shirt back? Trust me on this one. Start writing that shit down. Plus, it’ll give you something to laugh about years later when you look back and realise that it wasn’t quite as dramatic as you thought it was at the time. See – you did survive without him! Woo hoo!

8 – HAVE DRUNKEN, MEANINGLESS SEX.

…But only when you’re sure it’s over. Completely sure. One million percent sure. Having sex with someone else does something to the relationship you HAD with your ex. It puts a line under everything. That’s it – you fucked someone else. You’re not just his anymore. When he has sex with you, he’s going to have that thought of someone else having sex with you in his head. If neither of you cheated and everything was nice and truthful throughout your breakup, having sex with someone else will put a strain you both if you ever get back together and you end up telling him.

9 – DO THE PRO’S & CON’S LIST.

…But only do it when you’re angry. You know the list – his good points versus his bad points. Working out which list is longer and whether or not you should get back together…

If you’re all loved up, missing him and crying, the list you write is going to be focusing on all the good things you miss about him and you won’t get the full picture. By all means do the good list, but leave his bad list until you are really angry and need to vent everything out – everything he ever did to piss you off. You’ll be surprised at how much your mind can be swayed just be being reminded of all those times he left you waiting, didn’t turn up, didn’t call or text you back, and was caught out chatting up other women. Plus there was that time he didn’t get you a birthday present. And who can forget that time he refused to go to the theme park with you because he “didn’t like them at all.

If you ever feel that breaking up wasn’t the right decision (even when it probably was), re-read that con’s list and realise why you broke up in the first place. An ex is always an ex for a reason. How many fairy tales have you heard that started with “Once upon a time, Barbie and Ken had been together for five years on and off…”?

10 – KEEP YOURSELF BUSY.

When you stop and think, you’ll hurt. You’ll cry. You’ll get angry and want to vent at him. You’ll message him. You’ll call him. You’re going to want to get really angry at him. You’re probably going to have some questions that he should answer. He should but he probably never will. Not honestly anyway. Screw it. Leave it. It’s not worth it. He’s not worth it. Keep yourself busy. Work on your website or clean your home. Take on some extra hours at work. Go to the gym. Hang out with friends. Go shopping. Redecorate. Spring-clean. Organise your wardrobe and sell the shit you don’t wear. Do whatever you gotta do. Just don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. When you stop, your heart will break and then you’ll cry and your mascara will run all down your face. Plus no one looks pretty when they cry.

11 – WIN THE BREAKUP WAR.

Go to the gym, get your hair cut, get a new tattoo, try a new look, learn a new skill or talent, buy more shoes, wear different clothes…

Winning the breakup war is simply a case of coming out of it better off than the other person; the ex. You need to put effort into that; effort, dedication and time. If you ever needed a great time to get to the gym (Or in our case during lockdown – workout from home) and start getting buff-ting, this is it! You can’t just go once and think that’s it either. You need to keep going. Keep at it. They say that it takes 12  weeks of working out before family and friends will start to notice the weight loss and change in body. That’s it – give yourself a three month goal and see who says what about your new physique? Win that breakup war! Be fit and give him something to miss and regret. Imagine how much better it would feel to turn him down knowing that you now look fit after losing those extra few pounds you put on while you were getting comfortable and eating too many Bourbon biscuits with him.

Would you rather just lie down and cry? No, I didn’t think so.

12 – SONGS.

Do not forget about the songs that are on your phone. All those little songs that remind you of him – they are going to cut you like a knife when you hear them on the way to work by accident, or when you are getting ready to go out with the girls. I cried when I heard “All of me” by John Legend… in public! Write a list of all the songs that remind you of him. Listen to them one more time. Cry it out. Get the Ben & Jerry’s to help you through it. Then remove them from your life. One by one, delete them. Fuck off. Click.

13 – START ONLINE DATING.

Right, I’m not telling you that you need to get under someone in order to get over someone else (although it doesn’t hurt), but online dating is actually the perfect distraction to help you through a breakup.

Every time I break up with someone, I go back onto my trusty TINDER account and start swiping, and I’m definitely not up for messaging anyone, but every once in a while someone will catch my eye and it’ll give me something to do for a few weeks – a little complimentary text-action to lift my spirits when the day has started with a nasty fight with the now-ex.

14 – DON’T TRY TO BE FRIENDS.

Right, after a year or so it might be possible but trying to be friends just a couple months after your breakup…? Nope, this friendship is never going to work. Not a chance. Not in a million years. You’re going to end up back in bed together with one of you taking the move as a mixed signal. You’ll end up breaking down and admitting how much you miss him. He’ll beg you not to leave. You’ve already gotten over the hardest part of your breakup… What’s the point in going right back to square one? He’ll pull on nights out and you’ll get upset watching him neck on with another girl, and when you even dare try to move on and get over him, he’ll put on the waterworks and accuse you of being a cold-hearted bitch that never gave a shit about him. Honestly guys and girls – friends will not work. It’s like someone killing your dog and then letting you keep it stuffed. What’s the point? Be civil yes! But not friends!

So there you have them – the rules you need to know to get through a successful breakup. If you can even call a breakup successful….?

If you follow these rules, you will come out of this looking every inch the classy, sophisticated, dignified woman you are. And let’s face it, us girlies need all the help we can get!

First Date? What NOT to do…

Now I’ve been single I feel I can look back over my dating experiences and laugh. Or cry. Some of the things I’ve done … I just shake my head and wonder why I ever acted so stupidly. One of those times was a first date I once went on, my first first-date after the end of a three-year relationship. Not just a funny story for me (now), I feel it also serves as a warning.

HERE’S WHAT NOT TO DO ON A FIRST DATE …

*Based on my experiences obviously. Don’t go all ‘feminist’ on me. 

He was cute – big blue eyes, a nice white smile, friendly words and all the right compliments. I was insecure, unsure, and drunk before I even got there and it was a disaster right from the get-go.

What NOT to do on a first date #1: Seriously overdress because you didn’t do your research.

Instead: Do your research. If I’d done that, I’d have realised it was karaoke night in a local pub, and my sassiest dress with too-high heels wouldn’t have been appropriate. It was a jeans and flats kind of date.

The plan had been to meet at the pub, head back to his for the dinner he’d cooked, and then see what happened from there. That didn’t happen. My already-drunk self decided that another bottle of wine was on the menu once I’d arrived at our meeting place, and he had no problems matching me drink-for-drink. I’m pretty sure I paid for all of them except the first one. It was an expensive night. I drank because I felt uncomfortable. I was overdressed and I didn’t really want to be there. I had fun with him but friends-fun. Get-drunk-with-the-boys fun. Not I-heart-him fun. The more I drank, the better I felt so the drinks just kept coming. Wine turned into shots of Jagermeister and before I knew it, we were being thrown out at closing time whilst protesting loudly that we wanted more Sambuca.

What NOT to do on a first date #2: Get drunk.

Instead: Don’t drink before you go and if you do, only have one glass of wine. In fact, maybe even make it a spritzer. Don’t be too-tipsy before you even arrive. Try not to turn into a blithering mess. Try not to turn him into a blithering mess either.

We headed back to his place which was “just around the corner” and the rest of the night is very much a blur. I remember snippets — arguing in the kitchen because he wanted us to get into the same bed together and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, and hunting through his cupboards trying to find glasses to pour more alcohol into.

What NOT to do on a first date #3: Go back to his place … blind drunk.

Instead: Be aware that going back to his place certainly does look like you’re jumping into his bed even when you have no intentions of doing so. No, I know it’s not right for a man to assume but he will. Mine did. And because he did and we ended up arguing about it, I felt the need to put-out even though I didn’t have a sexual attraction to him. Also, as a side note, don’t continue to drink …

I remember moaning because he’d promised me food and there was none, and I also remember us being in his bed, a thin beam of light flashing through the crack in the curtains, indicating it was getting light outside and we’d been drinking for far too long.

What NOT to do on a first date #4: Ignore the fact that you need to eat, especially when you’re drinking that much.

Instead: I should have eaten before I left to meet him but I didn’t because he’d promised me we’d be going for dinner. Never trust a man when he says he will feed you. Maybe we should have made our way to the kebab shop on the way home …?

I remember snippets of being in his bed, X-rated flashbacks of things I wish hadn’t happened. I’ll tell you about those another day, the x-rated version of what NOT to do on a first date perhaps?

What NOT to do on a first date #5: Pump your date with THAT much alcohol and be surprised when he gets limp-dick. (Which I think pretty much gives you the rest of X-rated story anyway …)

Instead: DON’T DRINK THAT MUCH!

The point I’m trying to make here is that my failure to do the proper pre-first-date checks resulted in a situation that could very easily have been taken out of my control. In fact, I don’t think I had control at any point of the night.

My pre-drinking made me braver so I wore the wrong outfit because I didn’t do my research and check out the pub we were meeting at. I felt uncomfortable because of my outfit which meant I drank more to feel more comfortable. That clouded my judgement because I ended going home with a man I didn’t know that well — a man who could have done anything to me. I then slept with that man – a man I felt no sexual attraction to, and following on from that I had a hangover that lasted for days. He was “well into me” and harassed me non-stop before I finally told him we shouldn’t have slept together, it was a result of too much alcohol, I didn’t think of him in a ‘boyfriend’ way, and although I had wanted to remain friends with him, I felt too much had happened. Let’s just leave it at that.

He called me names, really harsh ones too, and the next time I saw him, about a year later, I actually threw my drink at hime.

Yep, that happened. In a night club, In front of people. People saw. Awkward. Top marks for the amateur dramatics!

He was a nice guy, a decent guy, up until the point I slept with him and binned him off so spectacularly. He was in the wrong for arguing with me when I said I didn’t want to sleep with him, and he was also in the wrong for saying those horrible things to me when I told him it was just a drunken mistake. At the same time, I was in the wrong for treating him like that. I knew he was ‘into me’, I shouldn’t have gone home with him. I definitely shouldn’t have slept with him. Yet I did. Why?

If I could go back and tell my 18 year old self anything, it would be to not drink as much as I did. I rarely drink now, and when I do, I make bad decisions.

These days I take a much calmer approach to dating. I don’t want to meet in a pub, or anywhere remotely close to the drinking scene. When I get nervous and drink, I drink to excess even when I try not to. Three tiny glasses of wine with lemonade can have the same effect on me as three bottles when I feel anxious, and because my inhibitions are lowered, I make choices I just wouldn’t make sober.

Who knows what might have happened if I hadn’t got that drunk that night? Maybe I would have given him a chance and a budding romance might have flourished? Perhaps we would have stayed friends? Maybe he would have always hated me for binning him off, regardless of whether I slept with him or not. I don’t know what might have happened but I do know this much – he was a story I wish I didn’t have to tell. It was a pointless exercise, another notch on my bedpost, and for nothing. We didn’t date.

So here’s what NOT to do on a first date – get so drunk you couldn’t remember his name and needed to double-check whether or not you actually slept together when you woke up the next morning.

How To Handle a Drunk Angry Girl

This is filled with bad advice. Bad advice written by me, so please don’t take this seriously.

When a girl gets drunk and angry, there’s a reason behind it. It’s normally a build-up of a number of things, and when she has that one drink too many; the one that tips her over the edge, it all comes out. It doesn’t make sense. It probably won’t be in a very nice manner, and it will most definitely baffle any man.I’m the worst for this. I can go out in the happiest mood in the world, in the prettiest dress, with the highest heels, and if something flicks that switch inside my head, the bitch comes out. And she’s a proper bitch too.

She’ll make shit up in her head. She’ll be adamant that it happened, even though it probably didn’t, and no amount of reasoning will make her see otherwise. She’ll focus on that one negative thing you said, take it completely out of context and twist it so much, it doesn’t even resemble the original conversation you had in the first place. No one understands how the brain twists things quite so much – not her friends, not the bouncers in the club, and one hundred percent not her boyfriend/husband/lover.

This is exactly the reason why I rarely drink anymore. I can’t handle the hangovers, I can’t handle my drink, and I can’t handle my inner bitch. I get angry about anything when I’ve had too much to drink, and I’ll try to start fights with anyone stupid enough to come near me.

So how do you handle the drunk angry girl? Everything you say is twisted against you. Everything you do seems to cause offence. She’s cruising for a fight, friends … It doesn’t really matter what you do. She won’t remember it enough to be mad at you the next day, and she’s probably going to be more embarrassed by her own behaviour.

The thing you need to remember here is that alcohol alters her mind. It makes her say and do things she would never normally dream of. She’s not really herself when she’s drinking, you know?

Whatever she says and does, ignore. She doesn’t mean a word of it. Not a single word. She has no clue what she’s doing. She won’t remember it the next day. The less you remind her of, the better. She’ll cringe with embarrassment if she’s got any class about her. Just put it down to a heavy booze-fuelled night, and let it go. Don’t bring it up in conversations, don’t take the piss out of her for it. Just let it go. Shush.

She’ll be angry at first when she wakes up. Again, just ignore it. She’s probably still drunk. She’s not back to her normal self just yet… After a while, she’ll calm down enough to have a conversation about it. Brief and to the point is your best tactic here; just get it over and done with like pulling off a plaster.

At the end of the day, there’s nothing you can do to stop this storm once it’s started so you might as well just accept that it’s a shit night and move on. Don’t take the crap she says to heart. She doesn’t mean a word of it. And don’t play too much on it the next day, she’ll get angry when she gets embarrassed and there’s likely to be a few tears…

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I BARELY DRINK.

What’s the big deal with porn?

What’s the big deal with porn? My (female) friend was telling me that she’d found all this ‘weird’ porn on her boyfriend’s phone, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it.

Firstly, who gets that upset about porn?

Secondly, when did porn become such a bad thing?

Thirdly, what the hell does ‘weird’ porn mean? I know what’s weird to me, but I wouldn’t imagine we (my relatively clean-cut female friend and I) have the same boundaries when it comes to porn … and sex for that matter.

Right okay, so it’s not weird porn that’s the problem here. It’s the fact that he’s actually watching porn. I didn’t realise women still got upset about that kind of thing … Isn’t porn so mainstream nowadays?

I gave it some thought, but that just opened up more questions than answers. I love porn. Just like most people I have my own personal preferences, and I wouldn’t exactly say I hide that kind of information from anyone. I’m not ashamed to watch porn.

I also think watching porn with your partner helps your sex life in the bedroom. Does that make me weird then? If I were to find porn on my partner’s phone, I wouldn’t get upset. I’d have a look through it and see what kind of thing he liked to watch, what gets him off in those moments where he thinks no one can find out.  I find it quite hot. 

Porn does have it’s negatives, I understand that. It gives people unrealistic ideas of what sex is like,  what the body is really like, blah blah blah. But it can be a good thing too, can’t it? I like to think I’ve learned a few tricks over the years from watching porn, and I’ve definitely tried new things on my own body because of something I saw in a blue movie once. I’m not embarrassed about it, it’s completely normal. People can judge, but I can guarantee their history has some porn in it.

So here’s the advice I *wish* I’d given to my friend but didn’t because I’m diplomatic and supportive and just listened and mmhmmm’d in the appropriate places instead:

Girl, get over yourself. He’s a guy, he has hormones, sometimes he wants to have a wank. It has no bearing on you, or how much he wants you. He can have a wank in the morning and still want to bed you that afternoon or night, or even ten minutes later. He can jerk off to other women on a TV screen and not be cheating on you. He can think about having sex with those women while he’s pumping his hand up and down because he’s not touching them. He’s jerking off, that’s it. What would you rather he did? Fucked someone else? I know you want to be the ONLY thing he’s thinking about while he’s yanking his chain, but come on.

I want Jared Leto as the Joker to come in one night, tie me to the bed and do unspeakable things to me, but it’s not cheating on your other half. It’s definitely not grounds for tears.

I believe that you need to pick your battles in life. Porn is not a battle you should fight, because it’s not one you will ever win. If you ban him from watching porn, he’ll watch it behind your back. He’ll find a way to watch it, even if it means deleting his history in future. He’ll just be more careful. He’ll take extra measures to make sure you don’t find out and at that point, he’s actually being deceitful and lying to you. That’s opening up a brand new can of worms.

Each to their own, I get that, but you can’t stop a man watching porn. Why would you even want to? It’s really not that big a deal.