THE MAGIC WAND…

Hey Girls…

You know what is coming? Oh yes.. The WAND!

Sometimes my feelings become so strong they’re unmanageable. Sometimes, I’m so caught up in my emotions I can’t function before funneling my affections into something outside of myself. Sometimes I experience love to a degree that I have an unstoppable need to profess it in a letter. So this is a love letter to one of the most important and impactful members of my life… girls try it if you haven’t already! Normalise, sex toys and women touching themselves!

Dear Magic Wand,

I know today, more than any other day that I love you. Like most of us, I’ve heard stories about love at first sight and have spent most of my adult life deciding whether or not I believe it’s real. I can’t say that I fell in love when I first saw you. Instead I found myself hesitating… Intimidated and and thrown by an unexpected trepidation. No, for the two of us it wasn’t love at first sight but I became sure of the realness of a different kind of instantaneous attraction: Love at first touch.

From the moment I first allowed myself to indulge in the magnitude of your ability… From the second your soft, body-safe silicone head settled into the single most sensitive sections of me… From our instant of initial contact I knew I was feeling a depth of excitement, appreciation and euphoria I can only describe as love. It was love at first touch.

But fear not, my angel. It isn’t just the way you touch me that sends me to screaming elation. Our love isn’t so trivial. Our love isn’t so shallow. It runs deep in me and feels just as a part of me as my mind, my memories, my mood you calm so capably. It isn’t just a physical fixation I’ve found with you. It’s the way you make me feel as a woman.

You’ve awakened orgasmic experiences I thought only to be tall-tales told by tantric temptresses. You’ve unlocked a treasure trove of rapture and serenity. All four levels of your power have turned my once complacent body into a palace of impenetrable pleasure. Your consistency has cultivated my confidence. Your striking vibration patterns give me sexual passion. It was love at first and every single subsequent touch.

Thank you for changing me in the best way I could imagine. And thanks for all the O’s. I’ll see you tonight.

Love,Soph

Girls buy yourself a magic wand, I promise you, you will not feel let down! Ann Summers, Love Honey! Invest in you!

No person has ever been able to deliver the type of orgasmic experience that my wand and I shared. It satisfied my sexual needs efficiently and effectively, and continues to everyday, no matter my relationship status. This isn’t to say my boyfriend doesn’t get work done in the sack. He does. Quite well. And lucky for me, he not only satisfies me sexually, but also fulfills my mental, emotional, practical and recreational needs. Just like my magic wand his aptitude for pleasing me. (I seem to have hit the jackpot with this one.) It only follows that I would want to merge these two positive influences in my life into one mind-blowing experience. So I decided maybe I would bring my Magic Wand into our bedroom activities. I must admit I was apprehensive. Would he be turned off? Intimidated? Threatened even? or maybe love it? Who knows stay tuned …

Rules About Morning Sex

Hi All,

I hope you are well?

So this has been saved in my drafts for a good while and I thought I would share. If you cringe I am sorry.

I love sex. Sex at ANY time of day is just fine, as far as I’m concerned. But there’s one part of sex that I really don’t appear to have figured out that well yet, though …

Morning sex.

I get that we are going to have different morning priorities here, but there are some factors that are non-negotiable for me. So, I decided to write down the unspoken rules of morning sex.

1 – WAKE HER UP BUT BE NICE ABOUT IT.

If you’re gonna do it, do it nicely. Caress her neck with your fingers, kiss her collarbone, twirl your tongue around her nipples …

Stabbing her in the small of the back with your morning wood is not going to make her wet. Nor will poking and prodding away with your fingers at her sore vagina, caused by the great sex you had last night.

Which brings me nicely to my next point… 

2 – POKING & PRODDIN’ AIN’T GONNA WORK.

Right, if you’ve had sex the night before, or even a couple of nights before, there’s a good chance her vagina is still going to be a bit sore. It’s probably swollen and still stings a bit. That means it is sensitive. Super sensitive. If you’re going to gently caress her to orgasm in the morning light, please do it gently. Sticking a finger in and wiggling it around hurts. Gently circling her clit with your lubricated (spit) fingertip doesn’t hurt. Think about it.

3 – IT’LL TAKE A WHILE TO GET HER JUICES FLOWING.

In the morning, it takes a while for most things to happen. I’m never fully awake before a cup of tea. I can’t function properly at work until I’ve had that first cup of coffee. I have a system: wake up, drink tea, go to work, have coffee, be human. That’s how it goes.

If you try and make her do stuff before that system of events has happened, it’s not going to go right. In the morning, if you try to have sex with her, you need to work that little bit harder before she is wet enough to proceed. Do you get me? Be prepared to play around for a little while longer. If it’s not wet yet, don’t put it in yet. Simples.

4 – DON’T GO DOWN …

…if you came inside her the night before. This has actually happened to me on a benderific night out. He went to help lubricate things along the next morning, with his tongue, only to be met by that smell: you + him after a night of rampant fucking.

Come on, guys, you know what I’m talking about here. It’s him mixed with her after it’s been left to mix together all night in the sweaty crevice between her legs. It’s gross. To me it is, anyway. Some guys say they don’t care about licking their own semen, but with that stench, both are going to be embarrassed if it actually happens. Do yourself a favour and just don’t even try to go anywhere down near that region. Anything below the nipples is going to make her squirm uncomfortably, scared that you’re going to get a good whiff.

Oh, and alongside cunnilingus, anal sex is most definitely NOT COOL first thing in the morning. Not for me. No, thank you.

5 – PEE FIRST.

Guys, you know you can’t climax until after you’ve peed in the morning. You’ll be hard for hours, but I know it’s the wrong kinda hard. Just get up and pee first (if you get the chance). It only takes a couple of minutes. Pretty please.

6 – HOURS = NOT FUN.

If you think that going for hours is fun first thing in the morning, think again.

Firstly, you’ve probably got shit to do.

Secondly, after a while, she is going to go dry and it’s going to start hurting. Once again, this is even more so the case if you had sex last night and she is still swollen and sore.

Thirdly, you won’t climax because you didn’t go and pee first.

Anyway, after about half an hour of straight-wakeup-morning sex, you are going to be gagging for a drink… well I usually am.

7 – NO FACE TO FACE.

Morning breath. It’s disgusting. Don’t talk to. Don’t breathe in the same direction. Don’t try to kiss her lips. Don’t come anywhere near her or with that putrid smell coming out of you. She will try and avoid doing the same.

Spooning is one of the only acceptable positions for morning sex [for me]. Doggy is a bit too dirty. Cowgirl is a bit risky because I probably don’t look that great with my squinty eyes and cray-cray hair. Definitely not missionary position. That’s too close. Reverse cowgirl is a bit dodgy (think of the morning farts), and being bent over the bed is also terribly questionable.

Stick with spooning – it’s the safest option.

(Unless you’re gonna get up and brush your teeth first, and make me brush mine too. Then we’re good with missionary. Honestly though, who’s prepared enough for that? I never remember to have mints next to the bed for when I have company even though I keep telling myself I’ll be that prepared.)

8 – THERE’S GONNA BE STUBBLE – ACCEPT IT.

If she shaved for you last night there’s a good chance that there will be stubble by the time you get around to the second sitting in the morning. Don’t talk about it. Don’t draw her attention to it. Don’t even react to it. Get used to it. Accept it. The more you sleep with us, the worse it’ll get. Long-term-relationshipper’s can go months without shaving their legs or bikini lines. Ask them. But for me I shave weekly or when I know I am getting it.

9 – SHE IS NOT GONNA LOOK PRETTY – ACCEPT IT. 

Honestly, I’m hideous in the morning. My hair is standing up all over the place, there’s a good chance I’ve got panda eyes because I didn’t take my makeup off last night as I’m lazy, my face is all puffy when I first wake up, and I’ve got a badass attitude with a mouth and scowl to match it.

Why would you want to sexy up with that beast?

I’m not pretty first thing in the morning. I’m pretty about an hour after I wake up, once I’ve showered, washed, dried and styled my hair, and slapped on enough makeup to impress a TOWIE regular. Oh, and I’ve had a cup of tea/coffee.

So accept she is not going to be looking her best!

10 – CUPPA TEA.

The only way to end morning sex is with a cup of tea. You get in that kitchen and make her tea. She will love you for the rest of the day. Strong but with enough milk to make it drinkable almost straight away, please, and with two sugars 😉

You survived another sex post! Well done you! Now get practising.

Peace, Love and Gin xoxo